Wake me up when September ends

I wish I could be like the Green Day song, and just wake up when September was over, the baby was home, and all the papers were signed. But, we still have 2 months and 16 days left to wait. My friend said that I'm in my third trimester now, and that's kind of cool to think about!

M and I did speak after we got back from Nashville, and it turns out her cell phone has completely died. I've been calling her at her mom's and often speaking to her sister. I had a nice conversation with her sister, and she told me that she was very grateful that we were being so kind to M, and she'd love to meet us. She placed a child for adoption last winter, and the adoptive family lied and told her they would keep contact, and then disappeared. She and M both don't want that to happen (of course we don't either).

Our agency in Nashville said that M was too high maintenance for them (they only cut checks one day a week and she was too demanding, wanting stuff NOW). Color me surprised. They did kindly find a new agency that would be better, and the new agency requires at least one counseling session, which she supposedly had this past Friday. Nobody called me so I'm assuming it went smoothly, although I did leave a message for the social worker to let me know how it went. And once again, I am waiting on M to call me and give me her new cell number. I'll try her again in a day or two, I don't want to bug her.

So, we're hanging in there, one day at a time. Although I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up in a couple weeks to get some anti-anxiety meds.

UPDATE: The social worker (SW) called and said everything went fine with M on Friday. She even came in on Monday for her counseling appt (YAY) and has another one scheduled at the end of next week. The SW said she does seem very focused on the adoption and going through with it, although she's reluctant to talk about the "feeling" side of things, which doesn't surprise me. I'm glad she went for some counseling though, and I hope she goes again.

What a rollercoaster

We arrived in Nashville, and the first thing we got to do was almost get arrested. We went to get our rental car, and David questioned their policy on charging us two full days when we'd only need the car about 4 hours on the second day. She said that was their policy, and all the rental companies were that way. She said she didn't like his attitude and wanted him to step away from the counter, and if we didn't, she'd call the police. We were like "what the heck" and then she did call the police. We called the customer service people, and they said they'd get back to us. David was talking with the cops in the meantime, and finally they said they'd walk with me to the counter and see if I could rent the car (the confirmation was in my name). The woman refused to serve me, and said we'd cost her a $200 bonus and she didn't feel inclined to help us. The whole thing was insane and very embarrassing, and we ended up having to rent a more expensive car from another company. Alamo has offered to pay us the difference in price, but David said all he wanted was an apology.

We then went and checked in, and met with the lawyer. David started looking over the forms M had filled out and a lot was missing, and it turned out she didn't really fill them out correctly. The lawyer gave us new forms to take to M. She explained TN law to us. We are not allowed to use Texas consents because we're following TN law with respect to the living expenses, so we have to use TN consents. They have a 72-hour waiting period, and then a 10-day revocation period after the 72 hours has passed. However, if ICPC has cleared, we can go home even if the revocation period hasn't ended. She said that M told her she intended to release the baby to our custody when she was discharged from the hospital.

We felt M out about the whole issue with the third kid. Apparently the family only lives about a 4-hour drive away, and they visit regularly. She had the little girl with her for a while but then she got an ear infection and was pretty sick, so she had the parents come and pick her up. There is definitely no formal adoption, but rather just some loose arrangement. So I guess we're okay with the third kid thing and the voicemail story, although I still find it odd. We discussed the hospital plan and we said we'd love to be there for as much as she would allow, and we are allowed to have a room at the hospital. We discussed contact after the birth, and she said she loves to get pictures and letters, and she'd like to have some visitation, although not as much as with the other family due to the distance.

Other than being overweight, she is very cute and personable. She has a fair, translucent complexion that is very pale with just a blush on the cheeks, blond hair, and big hazel eyes. The pbdad was good looking, nice high cheekbones and gorgeous skin color, a medium mahogany brown. Her other 3 children (with a different father) are all gorgeous, especially the youngest one.

We didn't go out to eat and parted ways because she still had moving things to take care of. We agreed to meet in the morning, and she gave us her address to Mapquest, and said they woke up early so we could call early. We called at 8 AM and her phone was off, and we left a message. I tried every 30 minutes, and also left a message on her sister's phone. At 9:30 we were tired of waiting and feeling frustrated, so we decided to check out and just drive over there. She wasn't home, and we called her sister again and she said she'd try to track M down and have her call us. We went to IHOP because David hadn't eaten much, and sat there feeling very annoyed that we were being blown off after flying all this way. We drove back to the house one last time, and I left the toy I had gotten on her doorstep and the lawyer's papers in the mailbox, and asked her to bring the ultrasound video to the SW or lawyer and have them mail it to me. We left messages with T and the lawyer asking for her mom's phone number, and decided just to head to the airport and go home. We were pretty steaming at this point, and thinking we were going to walk away and that she must have changed her mind after meeting us. T called me back with the mom's number, and also left M a message. She agreed it was really flaky behavior, although not surprising, and told us to tell the mom that this kind of behavior couldn't continue and that we would cut off funds if it did.

So we went to the airport, and I got on an earlier flight back to Houston. We went to the bar to have a drink and grab some lunch, and the guy next to us bought us drinks because we were having such a bad day (thank you, kind random stranger). Also Terry Bradshaw was in the bar, and David bought a Titans football and had him autograph it. I called the mom and she didn't seem to realize who we were, and I told her about cutting money off, and she said "oh, you're the people who want to adopt the baby" and I told her yes. She said she'd track M down and have her call us. Then the lawyer called back and said M had called her. Her daughter had gotten sick the night before and they spent the night in the hospital. Her cell phone died so she couldn't call us (we do have an 800 number and I'm sure she could have found a payphone, but I understand a sick kid). The lawyer told M we were pissed and she should call us right away. M called me about 15 minutes later and apologized profusely. The little girl has whooping cough and was really sick and she was worried. I told her I was sorry for looking like a stalker with all the missed calls and voicemails on her phone and that we'd assumed the worst, and she said oh no, she really liked us and wasn't changing her mind about the baby. She also said that the pbdad was glad he met us and felt much better about the adoption plan, and that he intended to sign his TPR as soon as he gets an ID. I told her to call me in a few days and let me know how her daughter was, and she said she'd call me last night with an update. She didn't call, but she's like that. If I don't hear from her in the next couple of days, I'm going to be upset though.

So we're going to keep taking this one day at a time. We both have a gut feeling that we will end up with the baby, but we have to deal with her flakiness, which is not so easy. That girl can really try my patience, I tell you.

We're feeling a bit better

Just a quick post. Everything seems good here so far. M was late meeting us, and we called her and agreed to meet at the clinic. She showed up with a guy in tow, and introduced him as the pbfather. She was so late for the appointment that they couldn't see her, which was disappointing, but meeting him made up for it. She brought us a ton of photos of her kids, and seemed very sweet. Her commitment level seems high at this point - she was asking about the hospital plan etc. The pbdad said he was glad to meet us and know that the baby would be going to a good home.

We're going tomorrow to meet her kids, and I'll explain later about the whole third kid situation. But so far, all seems good. We feel much relieved.

The eve of our visit to Nashville

We are off tomorrow morning early for Nashville. I called M yesterday to touch base about the appointment, and she was filling out paperwork at the apartment she found. She said she'd call me back (she didn't) but we chatted for a couple of minutes. She said it would be easiest to meet us at the hotel or the clinic, but she really hoped we could come and see her place and meet her kids so we can get an idea of what Bubba might look like. So that seemed like a good sign to me. I'm curious to see if it looks like she's making plans for this third child to stay there. I'm pretty sure she's lying about that, although I don't know what the motivation could be. I want to ask her about her relationship with the other family since they have a child that is a half-sibling to ours and I want him to know his sister. I also want to feel out her plans for after the birth, and see if I can get a feeling if she's planning to keep the baby or not.

I just hope that we get something resolved this visit, whether we walk away or stay committed.

More updates

The latest update from the social worker is that she called M and M called her back. They are going to have the rescheduled appointment with the other social worker, but M was saying all the apartments she was looking at wanted to know who'd be paying her rent. The SW thinks there are some huge red flags here and wanted to talk to us before we pay any money, so she said she'd call M back. She asked M point-blank about her voice message. M hesitated, and then had a fast comeback and said that her third child, the one she isn't raising, is coming to live with her for the summer. She had previously told the SW that she didn't have much contact with them. M then called me, and said she'd been out looking for apartments. We chatted for a few, and then I asked her about the voice message (the SW recommended that I ask her and see what I got for an answer). She said that she needed to change the message, because her youngest had come for the summer (remember she just told the SW that she was coming for the summer, not already there). I said "you call her Junior?" and she said the parents did, because she looks like her father, and she was going to change the message to say the girl's name. The social worker's gut feeling is that M is just in this for the money and that she's very desperate to get a place to live. She thinks it's likely that it could fall through at the end and we'll be out the money (and heartache), but also said her crystal ball hadn't been very accurate lately. I don't know what to think or do. I left a message with my facilitator and want to discuss it with her, because I trust her.

We decided to give the first month's expenses and take our trip (and we arrived at this decision independently). We only have to give her about $1000, and we will just use it as part of our charity budget if we decide to walk. And we'll figure it out from there. The answering machine thing is very strange and it troubles me (I'm curious to see if the message has changed), but we decided we're not quite ready to walk away. I want to meet her in person before I accept/reject her; I think we have enough of a relationship that it's important. But I will be very careful, and we agreed if we don't feel good at any point we WILL walk away.

Sigh, it can never be easy, can it?

Update on our situation

I got a call from my SW. She had tried calling M two days ago about her appointment today, and heard the voicemail and thought it was very bizarre as well. However, M did call her back yesterday and left her a message, and the SW thinks that's a very good sign that she intends to keep the appointment. And she said she would discuss the phone message with M. Then right as I hung up with her, T called me back and said she'd just spoken with M. M said she'd been really tired, and that she did have to start working again. She mentioned we had called and said she'd call us back last night after she got the kids to bed. T thinks it's a good sign that M at least took her call. She thinks it is the SW's place to discuss the message and that I shouldn't say anything at all about it. The SW will call me back today after they've met.

M did not call us last night. I took T's advice and called her at 8:30 and her phone did at least ring several times, so she was probably still putting the kids to bed. T wanted me to gently "remind" her that her appointment was today with the SW. When I worded the message, I think I implied it was okay for her to just call us today after the appt, so I'm not totally alarmed. David and I think that if she doesn't make the appt and we don't hear from her that we're going to walk away. But if she goes to the appt, we'll go ahead and go visit next week and see what happens face to face. I think she's just kind of flaky and not thinking at all about our feelings (which I think is normal). T also said sometimes we place too much stock in thinking about how they must be feeling, and that sometimes placing the baby is very easy for some people. I am still anxious as all getout, but we'll just see how today goes.

Freaking out

M met with the lawyer and social worker last week. I called and left messages with them on Friday to see how the appointments went, and I also left M a message. I talked to the social worker on Monday, and she said that M was late and they didn't have much time to talk, but had agreed to reschedule. Her quick take was that M seemed very financially motivated. The lawyer said their meeting went well, and they contacted the father and got relinquishment papers to him, which he said he would sign. So that was a relief.

M never called me back, so last night I called her again. Imagine my shock hearing her answering machine message:

(beep) "Hi! You've reached M, A and V (her kids) and soon to be baby Junior!"

That does not sound to me like a woman making an adoption plan. So of course I panicked. I called T and left her a message, and we just spoke. She agrees that this is a major red flag. She told me to call the lawyer and the social worker and see if they can follow up and find out what's going on. Maybe M is having second thoughts, who knows. I know she can't afford to have this child but if she wants to keep him I understand. I'd rather find out now if there is a problem instead of after we've paid money and gone to visit, but it still sucks. I can't think anything but the worst at this point.