My Mikveh Lady

I don't even know what I was watching or doing, but I suddenly wanted to capture this story.

I moved to Israel in 1997, and after a few months there, around March 1998, I decided I wanted to convert to Judaism. That's all a story for another day, but let's fast forward to the day of my actual conversion, August 1998. My boyfriend at the time, Uriel, and I had a terrible fight that morning. This was typical of our relationship, and I recall telling him this was a really important day in my life and I'd kill him if he messed it up. His parents picked us up and we drove to Jerusalem. We went to the park and had a nice lunch, then went to my beit din. I passed with flying colors, chose my Hebrew name of Hadassah, and off we went to the mikveh.

A mikveh is a ritual bath, where women go each month to cleanse themselves spiritually 7 days after their periods end, and it signifies a new beginning of the monthly cycle. Judaism is very tied to procreation. When one converts to Judaism, we also go into the mikveh. This one is in the hills outside Jerusalem, on the grounds of a monastery run by French monks. It is a mountain-fed spring, and very very cold. I had a woman there, with dark curly hair, who served as the attendant for several of us who were finalizing our conversions that day. I vaguely remember her.

Fast forward again to 2000, when I have been unceremoniously dumped by Uriel, who was supposed to move back to the US with me, and I am living in Austin, Texas. I attended the local Conservative shul there, and became friends with a group of people around my age, a little younger here and there, and we would have Shabbat dinners together. I was at the house of Marcus and Nora having dinner, with my at-the-time boyfriend Jordan, and our friend Galit. Marcus and Nora are about to become married, and were discussing if they would use the mikveh after marriage. Galit, who is an amazingly beautiful Persian Jew, with a voice like an angel, tells us of the summer that she spent in Israel volunteering for the Conservative movement, and how she served as a mikveh attendant one day in August for a group of converts. You figured it out, she was my mikveh lady. We later confirmed this with the rabbi who led my conversion.

Isn't it interesting how the world works?

Random Thoughts

I went to the RE this week to have my progesterone tested, because it's been 12 weeks since the D&C and no AF in sight. P4 was 12.4, so I did ovulate, and they said to wait it out another couple of weeks and see what happens. I am scared of AF, I'm sure it's going to be the mother bitch of all periods after all this time.

Remember my green-eyed monster post? I was right that she was pregnant, but she is about to miscarry. Sigh. Another victim of the Infertility Gods and their evil plans to prevent us from having children. At least in her case she already has a daughter so it's not quite as traumatic. I'm not belittling anyone's pain or trying to get into a pissing contest, but I think losing a baby after repeated IVF cycles when you can't just try again is very different from already having a kid, or getting pregnant easily and miscarrying. Those women know they can try again, or choose to be content with their one child. I don't have that option.

Then there's the deal with my cousin. When I was pregnant, she wanted to throw me a shower and was all gung-ho about it. I figured I can still have a shower pre-placement, because we need baby things. I emailed her almost a month ago and asked her about the shower, when the timing would be good for her, etc, and still haven't heard back. I don't want to have to write again, I want her to offer, and to be excited about it. I guess I just want to be treated like any woman expecting a child, because I am expecting a child.

I did buy primer yesterday to get the wall ready in the nursery, and I'm going to paint it this weekend. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go pick out acrylic paint for the mural, and I'm excited to be getting started!

A plea to the Infertility Gods

Dear Infertility Gods -

Why is it so hard to get pregnant? And why is it so hard to keep a pregnancy, once achieving that elusive goal?

I have been on an IVF buddy group with some women since our first IVF, about a year ago. We've had some other members come and go, as they get pregnant on their first IVF cycle, and now there are five of us veterans left. First I finally got pregnant, followed by a few weeks of ultrasound hell, and lost my baby. Then my friend Amanda gets pregnant, followed by the same few weeks of ultrasound hell and lost her baby. Now my friend Teena gets pregnant, followed by the same few weeks of ultrasound hell and lost her baby. WHY? It makes me so ANGRY that this keeps happening to me and my friends. I just want one of us to catch a break. Please?

Random things that made me happy yesterday

1. I ordered the crib bedding.
2. I went to get my fingerprints done yesterday, and the officer told me I was the third adoptive parent that day coming in. He hadn't fingerprinted anyone for adopting in two years. He told me he just gets a warm feeling when he fingerprints people like me, and wished me the best of luck. How sweet was that? Of course he also gave me the now-you're-adopting-you'll-get-pregnant speech, but I just smiled at him since he'd been so sweet.
3. I got a check from my RE for $4200 yesterday. They told me two days before ER on the last cycle that they didn't think I had enough insurance coverage and made me give them some cash to draw on while they processed insurance. I guess insurance covered more than I thought, or else it was pity pay for miscarriage.
4. Oh yeah, I ordered the crib bedding.

Fun at the OB/GYN and other stories

I have had a very itchy cootchie the last few days, so I decided it was time to visit the OB/GYN and get it looked at. I was going to just get a gynecologist that didn't do OB, but figured if by some miracle I ended up pregnant, I could keep the same doctor. I went with one recommended by a friend and my RE. I couldn't see her for this appointment, but they squeezed me in for a sick visit with the other doc. Itchy cootchie turned out to be yeast, so one shot of diflucan and some cream and I'm feeling much better. But going to the OB/GYN suckedass. I was surrounded by pregos in the waiting room, all discussing how much weight they'd gained (55 pounds with this guy, one woman proclaimed. I'm thinking at least I'll get to keep my figure and drink through my "pregnancy"). Then I go back to see the doctor, and she is pregnant too. Great. I had to give my history twice, once to the nurse and once to the doctor. So I was pretty much in tears all through the second repetition.

Then yesterday was Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It's the time of year for birth, since it's the birth of the universe. All the readings we do are about birth and infertility (G-d making good to his promise to Sarah and giving her Isaac at a ripe old age; and Hannah praying very beautifully and eloquently to G-d to give her a baby b/c she is barren, and she gets her prayers answered and gets Samuel, the prophet). Last year I was PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) from IVF #1 and so optimistic because I had a 'perfect' cycle, and all the readings convinced me my prayers were about to be answered. Then I started spotting a few days later, they made me stay home on bedrest for Yom Kippur, even though I knew it was over.

There were tons of couples at shul that just got married last year, and every one of them had a newborn. Grrr. I kept telling myself this would be my last Rosh Hashanah without a child. I was picturing me doing Torah reading wearing the baby in a sling.