Something very painful has happened to me
I came in to work on Monday to find an email from one of my friends, letting me know that another of our friends lurks on my adoption buddy group. She recently became pregnant, and I am thrilled for her, but I expressed on this adoption group that I was feeling a twinge of jealousy. During the days leading up to her ultrasound, there was a lot of talk of ultrasounds and heartbeats, and it brought up some bad memories for me. So I also said in my adoption group that "I wish she'd just shut up about it." I never expected that she, who is uninterested in adoption, would be lurking my buddy group.
Well, everyone in my buddy group apparently thinks I am the absolute worst person in the world. We all posted on a blog together, and I got banned from the blog on Monday. When I got to work on Tuesday, I found the blog had been moved elsewhere. Not one person has written me or acknowledged what happened to me. I am still feeling shell-shocked over it. You have to know that I have spent over a year posting daily with this group of women, and I thought we were friends. I can't believe grown women could act so childish, and I can't believe that they all hate me enough to just kick me out without warning. I feel as though I have been tried, convicted, and executed, all without even knowing why I was on trial. IF causes jealousy, even if it is a close friend. The degree of jealousy is much less than for, say, some fertile myrtle, but it's still there.
There is only one girl that I really truly care about remaining friends with, and I did email her after I first found out I'd been spied on, and she said "you still have me," which helps a lot. But I haven't heard from her since the blog moved, I think she's out of town, but it still sucksass.
It seems wrong to me to be lurking in my adoption group, and read something that I wrote in what I thought was a safe place, and then to have that used against me. Surely it has to be something more than just that? And why on earth was she even reading my adoption thread in the first place? My paranoid self says that she was looking for an excuse to cut me off, but it's hard to believe that she would be so malicious. But after seeing the swift reaction to what happened, maybe she is just that malicious.
I have a very heavy heart over this.
posted by Mel @ 1:30 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I feel your pain--I've given up on posting (except now) and only do private emails. There are lots of situations where we feel intimate and forget that the whole wide world could be watching. Things like this snap us back to reality and make us feel violated. I'm sorry for your pain.
De
Mel- I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It would seem that someone who had been through IF themselves would realize that their pg might inadvertently cause another IF'er some pain or jealousy - it's just human. Maybe she's forgotten where she came from? You're one of the most caring, loyal, supportive and kind people that I've had the privilege to get to know. Please know that if they were your true friends then they would have supported you instead of turning their backs on you. ((Hugs)) --M
Sorry you had to go through that. Sadly, life's struggles help us learn who our true friends are. I agree she must have been looking for an excuse and who needs friends like that. We lost several relantionships first while suffering secondary IF and then a different set once we conquered it.
You have every right to vent and those that care will still be here "listening" and praying that your baby finds it's way to your arms soon.
Thank you, all of you. I do know who my real friends are, and better to find out now than later!
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