A letter to my mom

Dear mom,

After we spoke last night, I still didn't walk away from the conversation really believing that you believe this adoption is happening. You had that "ohhhhh-kay" kind of tone, which generally indicates that you seem like you're agreeing with me, but you really aren't.

This is the first time since we've started trying to have children that I honestly believe I am going to be a mother. The beautiful thing about adoption is that you have a 100% chance of walking away a parent. That is something no reproductive doctor can tell you. I can't tell you what a relief it is to know I finally have a 100% chance after all we've been through in the last few years. Adoption has its own ups and downs - there is a lot of waiting, we don't know exactly when we're going to get our baby, a birth mother could always change her mind, a foster/adopt situation could be reunited with the birth parents. We are aware of these risks and feel that they are minimal compared to, say, the odds of having a miscarriage. But we are also trying to minimize the risks.

The agency I am working with specializes in infants and toddlers who are relatively healthy, and have a low legal risk. This means that the judge has already recommended termination of parental rights before I get the baby (although the TPR has not yet happened), and these cases are very rarely overturned. My agency works with a judge that normally recommends TPR at the initial hearing, so there is little legal risk for me. My agency also realizes that I have been through years of infertility treatment and a loss, and they would never match me with an infant that had a high likelihood of being reunited with his/her birth parents.

I am also working with a facilitator to pursue a private adoption. There is a risk in this situation that the birth mother could change her mind after giving birth, but they provide counseling for the birth mothers to try and ensure they are ready to give up their baby. They only match us with women who are in the last trimester of pregnancy, because these women are less likely to change their minds.

I know this baby doesn't exist yet. But I will be a mother in 2006, probably no later than the summer and most likely in the spring. Preparing the room and buying things for the baby is very therapeutic for me. Having people give me gifts for the baby is also very exciting, because it recognizes that there finally is going to be a baby. If I were 29 weeks pregnant, which is where I would be right now if I hadn't lost the baby, would you feel comfortable buying things for the baby? Would you feel comfortable throwing me a baby shower? I know I am only "paper pregnant" which makes it harder for you to envision the end product, but this paper pregnancy is far more real to me than the pregnancy I lost. I would love for you to be just as enthusiastic as if I were pregnant. I would love for you to ask how things are going with the adoption when we talk. I would love for you to start knitting things for the baby, and send my childhood books for the baby, and recognize that there is going to be a baby.

Love,

Melissa =)