Stop this ride, I want to get off!

This particular ride is over

2007-03-08T13:11:00.000-06:00

I have decided not to update this blog any longer, since it was our adoption journey. I plan to print out the entries and comments and save them for Benjamin. We started a new blog for him, which you can find here if you want to see updated photos, blog entries, and videos.

Thank you to everyone who supported us on the adoption rollercoaster. It was a much more fun ride than the IF one!

It's almost snipping time

2006-10-12T12:17:00.000-05:00

Benjamin is going to have his bris in just over a week, on October 22nd. I'm sure he's not too thrilled about having the end of his penis snipped off, but what can I do? My whole family is coming in and I'm very excited. And the ladies at shul are throwing me a baby shower the day before, when my family is here. I think it'll be a fun weekend. We met the mohel the other day and his hands shake terribly though, but I think (and hope!) the clamp method is pretty foolproof. At least the little guy gets some local anesthesia and some yummy Manischewitz.

Benjamin weighs around 10 lbs now, and has his next doctor's appointment on the 24th, right after his bris. He's starting to sleep 3.5 - 4 hours at night now, which makes me very happy. He's eating about 4 oz at a feeding right now and is a good eater. He's awake a lot more in the daytime and loves to look around, especially at the ceiling fans. And I think he may have smiled at me for real a couple of times now! He's still a very sweet and good-natured baby, and his pooping seems more regular now so he's less unhappy.

Sadly, we found out the Montessori school we want to use doesn't have an opening until the end of February, so we have to figure out childcare for two months. I wish I could just stay off, but I'm not sure that work would allow it. We'll see. We are going to visit the school tomorrow to see if we like it. I hope they will be amenable to cloth diapering! Cloth diapering is going very well, we are using Fuzzi Bunz and they have the Nana and daddy seal of approval for ease of use. I just do a load once a day, no biggie.

I put a link to Benjamin's online photo album under "links" so you can always see photos! I add to it fairly regularly. We're also going to a photo studio today for a consult appointment, and will get some professional family photos done. I also want them to do one of him in his bris gown that I had made.

Finalization day!!

2006-09-29T11:31:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry to be such a bad blogger, but it's so hard when you have a baby who wants to be held all the time. I don't mind at all, but it's hard to get to email and blogging and all that. I'll try to be better!

We finalized Benjamin's adoption today. Did I mention how much I love Kansas law? He is legally ours. We wait about 4-6 weeks to get an application for his birth certificate, and then file for it. We'll get that and his adoption decree and then file for a SSN for him. We have our one post-placement visit next week, which only needs to be filed with the ICPC office. But it's all done, and he is our son. I can't believe it.

He had his two-week checkup when we got back and is all healthy. He had gained 7 oz from birth, and is now, at five weeks, up to about 9.5 lbs. He's a happy sweet baby and we are so blessed. He's sleeping 2-3 hours at night, and moving towards longer stretches which will make his mommy happy. My mom visited last weekend and had a wonderful time meeting her grandson. The rest of the family will meet him in late October when we have his bris.

Here's my new favorite photo. He loves having a bath!

We're home!

2006-09-07T16:25:00.000-05:00

We are happy to have returned to Texas last Friday! We were out eating lunch, and our lawyer called and said we could go home if we could find an agency in Texas willing to do our post-placement visits. We called our Texas lawyer and got a name, they agreed, and we packed like mad people and got a flight home Friday night. Benjamin was a trooper on the plane, and is happy to be home.

Our dogs are doing great with him, they're very sweet and gentle and like to lick his toes. He goes for his first pediatrician appointment tomorrow, so I'll update with his new stats.

You know you want some pictures!

2006-08-30T14:16:00.000-05:00

I am overwhelmed at the sweet comments and thank you all for being so supportive and wonderful during this process. Benjamin is an amazing baby so far, very sweet and easy going. He loves being held and hanging out in his sling, and he's sleeping in 3-hour stretches and eating like a champ. We have cleared Interstate Compact in Kansas and are just waiting for Texas to do their part so we can come home. Our lawyer thinks that it will probably extend after the Labor Day holiday, but we're enjoying this bonding time with him. We're staying in an extended-stay hotel and the staff has been wonderful. Wichita is actually a beautiful city and the weather is so lovely here. Can you believe we ate outside last night?

OK, now on to some pictures!

This is the first night we met him. Forgive how exhausted I look, we had been on the road for 12 hours at this point.

Here's our sweet boy!

You won't believe the insanity!

2006-08-27T18:39:00.000-05:00

We got a call on Thursday to see if we wanted to head to Las Vegas and meet a couple who had a baby boy, and thought they wanted to place him for adoption. They weren't 100% of placing, but wanted to meet us after we spoke on the phone. We busted our tushes on Friday morning getting ready to leave and caught a flight, expecting to meet them when we arrived. Well, they panicked and changed their minds, and after taking a little profit from the Sahara casino, we decided to head home on Saturday.

We were in the shuttle from the rental car lot to the airport, feeling sad and dejected, and got a call from my facilitator, asking if we'd like to be presented for another baby that had been born on Thursday in Kansas. We parked ourselves at the airport, waiting for our profile to be viewed, and then amazingly got a call that we had been chosen! We rebooked our flight and flew into Tulsa, OK and then drove up to Kansas, and arrived late last night. We got to meet our son at around midnight last night, and roomed at the hospital.

This morning we met the birth mom and her grandparents, who are her guardians. She is very tall and sweet and lovely and it was a good meeting. Very bittersweet, to balance their sadness against our happiness, but it went well. We will maintain contact at least with letters and photos. The baby is just gorgeous! Oh yeah, and it's a boy. 6 lbs and 11 oz, and 18 inches long. I think he will end up with his birth mother's height, judging from his feet!

What craziness, huh? I can't believe I'm typing with a sweet baby in my arms, after all this.

PS - nobody has heard from M since we called our agency and attorney last week and told them that we had to cut her off. I feel some remorse over what will happen to Bubba, and I still hope and pray fervently that he will end up with a better life than her for a mother.

A letter to M

2006-08-24T07:15:00.000-05:00

Dear M,

We were very saddened and hurt when we spoke with our lawyer and learned that you admitted to her that you lied to us. When we gave you an opportunity to tell us the truth, you lied to us again. We feel that we have been very patient and understanding during our entire relationship together, and that you have done nothing but abuse our kindness and generosity. In light of recent events, we have decided that we can no longer continue to support you financially. We are not even sure if you ever intended to place this baby for adoption or whether the whole thing was just a ploy for money. However, should you give birth to this baby and you genuinely want to place him, we are here to uphold our end of the commitment we made to you. We already love this baby and we want to raise him and to be his parents.

From what you have said, you do not want this baby and cannot raise him. If this is the truth, we hope that you will think seriously about placing him, and that you will call us when you give birth. We will be there for him.

David and Melissa

Could it get any worse?

2006-08-23T07:01:00.000-05:00

Well, she lied to us.

I guess I should have expected it, but I can't tell you how much it hurt to realize it last night. I spoke to my lawyer, and last week after we called M and confronted her, she left a tearful message with the lawyer that she had lied to us, and the guy we met was not the father, and she was scared she was going to prison for lying. She says she did it because she was ashamed that she was "with" someone, and didn't want us to know. We don't know if this guy is still in her life or not. Our lawyer was in court all day Monday and Tuesday morning, so wasn't able to let us know this information sooner. We have ascertained that the guy the lawyer met could be the father, but he was definitely not the guy we met. The lawyer is going to see him again this week to see if he'll sign, and if not, tell him we will await a DNA test.

I left M a message afterwards that we had spoken with the lawyer, and knew she had lied to us. I told her she needed to come clean with us about everything if she wanted to go forward with this, and that we wouldn't judge her or be mad at her for any choices she made. I asked her to call me back last night, but she didn't.

I feel so hurt, and betrayed. I asked her point-blank if she was lying to us, and she said no. She probably lied to us other times too - like the strange answering machine messages and blowing us off in Nashville. I woke up this morning feeling so angry. Angry at her, and angry at myself for buying into her lies for so long and being so blind. The overwhelming desire to have a child when you are infertile and can't will do strange things to your sensibilities.

Now I don't know what to do. We are three weeks away from the due date, and I do still feel like there's a chance she's going to place this baby. Maybe she was lying about that too. The potential father said she was only doing this for a free place to live and didn't intend to go through with it (his moral character is not very high though). But I'm not sure I want a person like her in my life, the baby's life, so any post-placement contact would have to be photos and letters only. I think we are pretty close to shutting down the gravy train, and telling her that if she seriously wants to place this child, she can call us when he's born and the revocation period is over.

And the plot thickens ...

2006-08-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

We had a rather shocking turn of events, and are trying to figure out if we should walk away or not. My lawyer went to see the pbdad and get him to sign. Well, imagine her surprise when he says that he's not the father! He says he was only with M a couple of times and she told him she was already pregnant with somebody named Carlos' baby. He is willing to do a paternity test, and if he is the father, he thinks he will probably sign but he would want letters and photos. He also said that M is a crazy bitch and he does not want her to raise the baby. He says she coerced him into agreeing to sign as the father, and that she told him she was only doing it to get a free place to live. And he says that he never met us.

The lawyer then confronted M about the lie that this guy was the dad. She maintains firmly he is the father, she is sure, and she doesn't know anyone named Carlos. M then called me (I had not spoken to the lawyer at this point) and left two panicked messages (I was in a meeting) telling me anything he said wasn't true, and she wanted to place this baby, and she wanted us to raise him and she was in tears. She said she had no other options or backup plans and begged us not to abandon her and the baby. I called her back and reassured her we would pay for the paternity test, and if she knew anyone else who could be the father she would have to speak up. She is firm that this guy is the father.

I was okay with this so far, actually laughing thinking just more insanity. But David and I have always had an inkling that the guy we met in Nashville was not actually the dad. They were very chummy together, much more so than they should have been. Also, the forms she filled out at the lawyer's said pbdad was 6' tall, and this guy was no taller than my 5'6". Then the lawyer called me back, and explained everything that had gone on. We got to the physical description of the guy she met, and lo and behold - he was very very tall and skinny, and had totally different hair than the guy we met. Clearly not the same person.

So we seem to have caught M in a very huge, bold-faced lie. I don't know why she would have someone else pretend to be the father and meet us. How horrible is that? We called M together and asked her what was going on, and she also maintained her story, and didn't seem to me like she was lying. I said we could solve it all by getting a photo of pbdad, and she didn't seem bothered by that. She also said that she would be "stuck" with this baby, "with nothing to show for it" if he wouldn't sign, and she repeated that she intended to place him.

It is so hard to fathom walking away when we are only 27 days away from the due date. And kind people that we are, we feel horrible about leaving her cold with no money, knowing she has two children at home. I asked the lawyer if we should walk away, or if this were salvageable, and she thinks it's salvageable. The social worker thinks M is going to place, but doesn't know about this latest turn (I've left her a message). My facilitator and several other wise people think this is a last straw and we should walk away. Our gut feeling is that M wants to place this baby, and we are afraid of what might happen if we walk away. And we just can't make the decision, it is too hard and too emotional. All we can do is listen to our guts at this point.

We called a PI this morning, and he's going to see about obtaining a photo of pbdad. That will solve everything - if it's the guy we met, then we're good to go; if not, we will walk away.

Do you think this could get any crazier or more stressful? Oy vey.

Medical records

2006-08-15T14:21:00.000-05:00

I received the medical records from M's clinic yesterday, and I was right that she hasn't been seeing the doctor. She had one prenatal appointment in late May when she decided to place the baby, and has not been back (other than for her 24-week ultrasound) until her appointment last week. I am disappointed that she has not been getting adequate prenatal care, but it doesn't surprise me at all. Things looked good last week and Bubba was measuring 34.5 weeks. A note in her records said that the patient was having a difficult time with transportation but assured them her mother would drive her to her remaining appointments. She has to go back in two weeks, and I think I need to stay on top of her about making sure she goes, now that we're so close to the end.

Can you believe he is due in 29 days?

Agency update

2006-08-13T12:35:00.000-05:00

I'm still not sure what the status is with my agency. M called me Friday morning and said nobody had returned her call to schedule an appointment. I called them and left a message and then called her back, and luckily her counselor had called her and set something up for Friday afternoon. I haven't heard anything so I'm assuming all went smoothly, since M wouldn't get her bills paid or her Walmart card if she didn't keep the appointment. As far as I know, if M was willing to keep that appointment, show up in person, and bring valid receipts, the agency will continue to work with her.

I checked with my lawyer in Houston and we can't use a Texas agency, so we have to stay with one in Tennessee. My TN lawyer doesn't know of any other agencies to use, and I'm hoping that we can make things work out.

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And just as a side note: I'm sure you are all aware of the terrible things happening in Israel right now. I lived in Tel Aviv for three years and it saddens me greatly to watch the news. Even Jews at US synagogues are being harassed and shot at (and then there's that crazy Mel Gibson). I was very sad to go to my synagogue yesterday morning and see the (new as of last year) gates all closed except for one, with a cop outside screening cars as they came in. I hate that things have come to that.

Baby Shower Booty!

2006-08-13T12:11:00.000-05:00

Here are some of the cool things I got for the baby shower. I have such wonderful friends and family!

On the left, lots of toys and the ever-crucial Boppy and bouncy seat.

On the right, look at all the great books Bubba has to read. And a baby book specifically for adoptive families on the bottom left!

Killer is investigating some more cool toys in the cupboard.

Look at all the cute clothes! And Bubba's first pair of Robeez (with puppies, of course).

This is a baby sweater that my Nina made. She has severe arthritis and can no longer knit, but she had this one in her stash in her cedar chest.

As well as could be expected

2006-08-09T08:15:00.000-05:00

I realize I owe an update, but I'm on travel this week for work and it's been hard to have Internet time!

The shower was wonderful, and I'll write a separate post on that when I have photos of the booty, etc. I'll just say I have amazing friends.

M made it to the lawyer on Monday and all went well there. Of course she forgot the video and the social history paperwork, and the lawyer gave her new forms to fill out (along with another addressed and stamped envelope to return them). But she signed her medical release, and they called the pbfather together and the lawyer is going to see him in prison to get his signature. M filled out her hospital plan, and we will have full access to the baby along with a room, and the ability to make medical decisions for him. He will be released into our custody when M is released from the hospital.

Then M called me Monday night to tell me how things went. She had a doctor's appointment on Monday also, and the baby is measuring 34 weeks and things are looking good. She still has a due date of 9/13 and prefers to be induced if she reaches that date. The clinic said that was fine as long as Bubba was done cooking, and induction is good for us because we can plan to be there. M says she'll be in touch every few days as we get closer to the due date so we can be ready.

So, all of that was taken care of. Yesterday morning M called me and said the agency still wasn't answering her calls about her money from last week, so I called them and was told that I had to speak with the director before they could pay anything else. So I spoke with her, and things are not good on their end. The director says M is unwilling to keep appointments with them as well. She doesn't want counseling, but at least has to go in to meet with them to discuss the hospital (they'll be discharging the baby) and the legal stuff (they'll also be going to court with her). They have explained all this to M several times but she isn't keeping appointments and they're pretty close to wanting to fire her still. I called M and explained it all to her, and she kept saying "nobody told me I had to do that" and I told her I was telling her and it needed to be done. The director did mention something about a possibility of using a Texas agency, which would be great because M can sign Texas consents which are more stringent. The agency I'm using doesn't want to be just an ATM machine for M and want to have her more involved, but that's not M. The director said, and I agreed, that M is going to place her baby and she really is only motivated by financial reasons, which is fine.

So, now I'm waiting to hear back from my lawyer about how to proceed. I'm pretty near the end of my rope and incredibly stressed out.

And the drama gets even worse.

2006-08-04T07:33:00.000-05:00

The drama gets worse and worse, and I'm nearing my wit's end. I had a long talk with the social worker. We have given $1200 in Walmart cards, and there are receipts, but they are for mostly not allowable expenses. Like men's clothing. And tons of hair products. And tons of school supplies. Only about $450 is allowable and that's if they're being generous, and reality is more like $300. And apparently the judges in her county are very strict and usually require seeing receipts, and have been known to deny the voluntary surrender unless the money gets paid back. The SW read me the list of "food" items and it was mostly all candy, cakes, cookies, and cokes. No milk, no fruit, no vegetables, no FOOD. I am now concerned about how she is eating and taking care of herself.

We decided it was really ultimatum time, and the SW called her and told her she couldn't get any expenses until Monday, when she sees the lawyer. I knew she wouldn't like that, and sure enough, shortly after she called me and left a message, all in tears, about how mean the agency was and she didn't like them and she wanted a different agency or just to use the lawyer and she deserved better treatment because she was giving up her baby. Then after all the long teary drama, she said that she didn't want to bug me with this, but she was just returning my call from the morning. Riiiight.

I left her a message back that the agency was required, we could only use this agency, and that we'd find a way to make things work out, and that she could call me back any time (she didn't). I have to play the good guy in this to maintain our relationship. We are very concerned though about all this working out. Women making adoption plans need to make the effort to do the things required of them instead of making one excuse after another. The social worker said that if she's acting one way with the SW and the lawyer but telling me what I want to hear, that is not a good sign.

But yeah, I'm worried. I am having my baby shower this Sunday, and it just all makes me think I'm tempting fate too much. But I do realize that I can still have a shower for MY baby, even if it's not THIS baby. I hope M gets her act together and realizes this is serious.

Update

2006-08-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I called M, left a message, and said to call me back ASAP and she did. I thought that was good that she called back right away (although I did mention we needed to discuss expenses and nothing more could be paid unless I spoke to her). I told her the agency couldn't pay expenses unless she goes to the agency in person, and that she has to bring valid receipts in for groceries (shampoo is okay, but not excessive amounts of it). She said they never told her she had to come in person and it's 4 flights of stairs and hot and she can barely climb, so I told her I'd ask them to meet her downstairs, and she was agreeable. She says as well that her car is completely dead and she is relying on her mom and sister to chauffeur her around, and I told her I'd check with the lawyer about taking taxis. She didn't seem overly keen on that idea, but I'll at least ask.
I also said she'd missed two appointments with the lawyer, and had to see the lawyer this week. She said she was busy with the agency all Friday and she couldn't see the lawyer, but I told her she had to call and cancel because the lawyer was expecting her. She said she would call and reschedule.

She said she'd take care of it all, and acted like a chastised child, but not mad at me, just a kid who realizes she's been bad and got caught. And we are pretty seriously thinking of hiring a private investigator to make sure she's not scamming us. I still don't think she is, and she's just young and flaky, but I also think she's told me half-truths several times.

So we'll see what happens.

ETA - Oh my, the poor thing. I called the agency. They're on the third floor. There is an elevator right near the stairs. M has to go up 6 steps outside, enter on the second floor, and then can take an elevator up one floor. Unbelievable, her excuses and exaggeration. Does she really think I won't find these things out??

Yet another agency?

2006-07-31T14:48:00.000-05:00

It seems that M has managed to piss off yet another agency in TN. They are thankfully still willing to work with her, but only under certain conditions. Apparently she is still sending relatives to bring in receipts, and the receipts are for things like soda, more hair products than anyone can use in a year, and junk food. No real food, no fruit, no vegetables or anything that resembles groceries. They have asked me to call her and "put the fear of G-d into her" that she needs to start following the rules if she wants to get her expenses paid. She also blew off the lawyer on Friday. The lawyer was willing to drive out to M and meet with her at home, but she couldn't be bothered to call the lawyer and set up a time. I am feeling very frustrated and will call M and have a talk with her when I get home.

The social worker does agree there is no way that M can keep this baby and that she thinks it will work out. But she has to question the validity of most of her expenses and how our money is being spent. She also doesn't want to be the cause of problems with our adoption, but has said they cannot work with M any longer if she doesn't start behaving.

Sigh.

Flaky, flaky

2006-07-25T12:11:00.000-05:00

M had an appointment scheduled with the lawyer last Thursday, and was supposed to bring the rest of her family history forms (she filled them out wrong initially), the ultrasound video, sign a release for her medical records, and to provide info on the pbdad so that the lawyer can find him in prison. But M did not show up and did not call, which annoyed me (and the lawyer). The lawyer reached her yesterday, and M was hemming and hawing about car troubles. The lawyer has court out her way on Thursday and said "I'm coming out to you" and I'm glad about that. I really hope that M is home, or I will be majorly annoyed.

Honestly, I have a feeling that she has been skipping doctor's appointments and doesn't want me to know. I still feel like she is on track with placing, but just not super-concerned about appointments since she has an adoption plan and is getting expenses paid.

Seven more weeks.

My brother in law is an Asshole (with a capital A).

2006-07-20T12:13:00.000-05:00

I was emailing with my SIL in Florida yesterday, and she casually mentioned that her husband (David's oldest brother) is not planning to attend the bris. Apparently it's too hard for him to plan one day off with three month's advance notice. He is a doctor and moonlights on the weekends at one of those urgent care clinics, and I'm sure it's hard to find someone willing to cover the night shift. But you make exceptions for family and important family events. David's dad and David have both spoken to BIL to tell him how disappointed they are. BIL and SIL are planning a trip to Hawaii in a few weeks and will come here at Christmas, so his excuse is he can't take any more time off. I think he's just a selfish jerk and doesn't want to be bothered to come to Houston twice. We explained that we will be taking the baby to Maine at Christmas to see my grandmother, who may not have another Christmas. Therefore we won't see them at Christmas, and if they wait until next Christmas to meet the baby, he'll be over a year old. But then again they haven't come to Houston to meet their nephew Jake, who is now 7 months old. And they couldn't be bothered to come to their niece Kayla's welcoming party, the one her grandparents flew all the way from Japan to attend. They had never left their village or flown, but they came. BIL should take some lessons from them.

I am so angry at him. I don't even really like him much (nor does David), but it's a matter of principle. We had to fly to Florida for his son's bris on the typical 8 days' notice, in the middle of the week, but we didn't feel inconvenienced because we wanted to meet our nephew. I just can't believe that ONE FREAKING SHIFT can't be rescheduled. So, my BIL gets the Biggest Asshole Award.

Eight weeks and counting

2006-07-19T09:33:00.000-05:00

The baby's due date is 8 weeks from today. I can't believe it's only eight more weeks. I feel like I'm living in some kind of suspended animation these days, although somehow the weeks keep trickling by and that magic day gets closer and closer. There is still so much to do and so little time. I feel really badly that we're going to have to leave our pets for a couple of weeks and I wish we could take them with us, but I think we're going to end up using some kind of in-home pet care service.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the differences between our son's life and his half-siblings' lives. We plan to stay in contact and even have visits, and I wonder what Bubba is going to think when he realizes that he has so much more than his siblings do. I also worry terribly about what M is going to do to take care of herself after we are no longer paying support to her. We can only pay for six weeks post-partum and that's it. I almost feel guilty for having so much when she has so little.

We discussed the hospital plan further the other day, and the hospital is going to allow us to have a room and access to the nursery. We also asked her not to have the baby circumcized, so that we could do it here in Houston, and she agreed.

So, wow. Eight more weeks. Can you believe it?

HD, Stem Cells and the war on Christianity

2006-07-19T07:57:00.000-05:00

OK, so I don't post very much, but I want to add something. First the positive. I am happy to report that we added an off air antennae to our system to recieve HD broadcasts just in time for Football. The day HD gets hooked up in a mans house is one of the happiest days of his life....now for the War on Christianity.

I want to join!! Ever since "that man" stole the presidency I have seen our civil liberties diminish behind an out of control executive branch all in the name of his Christian God. The stem cell debate is the last straw. I could tolerate fundies, but this one flies in the face of logic and is the most pro-death stance I have seen. The president is vetoing a bill that has the suport of 70% of the american public to use embryos created for the purpose of IVF for Stem cell research. What is disgusting about his position is not only the belief that this embryo is a life. (It cannot survive without our help freezing it) These embryos WILL BE DESTROYED ANYWAY! We are not saving anyones life by not allwing these to be used for research. The decision by the owners has been made not to donate them for other couoples to use, so in Bush's mind it is better to trhow these precious stem cells away rather than saving the coutless millions of lives that can be saved by using these discarded embryos. What a moron. Way to go Bush, you made me a card carrying member of the ACLU and I now only vote strait democratic ticket. I am now a soldier in the war against Christiabnity. I see more hate and divisiveness and general yukiness coming from Christians. They need to get it in their head that their bible is not fact, their bible is not mine, thewir god is not mine. Get out of my personal life you self ritious evil doers. Apparently the Christian fundies are only concerned with life before it can survive on its own, but condone the death penalty when we know that innocents have been put to death. If only one man put to death by the state is innocent than the act is murder. Since we all condone this by our laws, that makes every citizen of this countr responsible for the murder. And according to our laws, murderers should be put to death......I hope we have a lot of needles.

Oy! The drama.

2006-07-17T09:31:00.000-05:00

Our first big news is that the Shuttle is safely home. I went and watched the landing with David on the big TV and it was very cool, they were showing us what the pilot was seeing out the window. So congratulations to Discovery for a very successful mission, and we are eagerly waiting for the next launch, scheduled for August 28th.

I talked to M on Friday. Her sister called me about some problems with the agency not paying expenses, but we got it sorted out. M called me after her sister got home and told me about 6 times that she thought them not wanting to pay for shampoo was BS and I agreed with her. The agency thought her buying things like pots and pans for her new apartment was not cool, but it's allowed under TN law and we told the social worker we didn't mind paying. M is definitely a drama queen and likes attention. She has been sending her mom and sister to the agency for her, and the social worker doesn't like that. I told her to be firm with M that she needs to come in person, and that we had to have the lawyer tell her the same thing and it worked. I think she's just spoiled and lets others wait on her as much as possible. But all is well with her and the baby, and she has an appointment with the lawyer this week to bring the family history papers and the video. We can get the medical records too so that's a relief.

Sigh. Eight more weeks. I can make it.

YAY Discovery!!

2006-07-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

We couldn't have asked for a better launch. Wow, was I nervous though! It was pouring here in Houston, but I slogged through the water and went over to the Space Center and watched on the big TV in the auditorium. It is wonderful to be around hundreds of other people cheering as we had liftoff, then SRB separation, then ET separation. I was so relieved that we didn't lose any major chunks of foam, and so far everything is going smoothly.

So I can't count, and the baby is actually due 9 weeks from this coming Wednesday. I spoke with the agency yesterday and they said M had another counseling appointment, so I hope it all went well. They are being firm with her about for receipts, which I think is good. I'll give M a call over the weekend or early next week and see how she is doing.

Now I'm actually starting to worry about becoming a mother! It's all so overwhelming. I don't know how to take care of a baby, really. I guess I'll figure it out.

Launch Day?

2006-07-04T08:51:00.000-05:00

If all goes well, the Space Shuttle Discovery should have her second return-to-flight today, after a couple of failed attempts due to weather over the weekend. We're all very anxious and hoping that no large pieces of foam come off. The last time we had return-to-flight was a very mixed day for me. I was almost 9 weeks pregnant. The Shuttle got off the ground safely, but unfortunately we found out that same afternoon the baby wasn't going to make it.

So I sit here almost a year later, and it's amazing to think that in just over 9 weeks I will (hopefully) be a mother. I had a nice talk with M last week. She told me that she was busy all day getting paperwork together, because she is going to court to terminate rights on her third child. I thought this was a very good sign. And she volunteered to me that she had gone for the counseling session and that she liked the counselor. She was asking the counselor about what happened after we had taken custody and we changed our minds about the baby. I thought that was interesting. Basically she is doing fine although the summer heat is bothering her. She keeps telling me that she'll take the ultrasound video to the lawyer's office to send to me, so one day hopefully it will show up.

I'm feeling a little more hopeful that this is going to work out. And you know what? I'm having a baby shower! Yes, me, a baby shower.

Wake me up when September ends

2006-06-27T14:14:00.000-05:00

I wish I could be like the Green Day song, and just wake up when September was over, the baby was home, and all the papers were signed. But, we still have 2 months and 16 days left to wait. My friend said that I'm in my third trimester now, and that's kind of cool to think about!

M and I did speak after we got back from Nashville, and it turns out her cell phone has completely died. I've been calling her at her mom's and often speaking to her sister. I had a nice conversation with her sister, and she told me that she was very grateful that we were being so kind to M, and she'd love to meet us. She placed a child for adoption last winter, and the adoptive family lied and told her they would keep contact, and then disappeared. She and M both don't want that to happen (of course we don't either).

Our agency in Nashville said that M was too high maintenance for them (they only cut checks one day a week and she was too demanding, wanting stuff NOW). Color me surprised. They did kindly find a new agency that would be better, and the new agency requires at least one counseling session, which she supposedly had this past Friday. Nobody called me so I'm assuming it went smoothly, although I did leave a message for the social worker to let me know how it went. And once again, I am waiting on M to call me and give me her new cell number. I'll try her again in a day or two, I don't want to bug her.

So, we're hanging in there, one day at a time. Although I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up in a couple weeks to get some anti-anxiety meds.

UPDATE: The social worker (SW) called and said everything went fine with M on Friday. She even came in on Monday for her counseling appt (YAY) and has another one scheduled at the end of next week. The SW said she does seem very focused on the adoption and going through with it, although she's reluctant to talk about the "feeling" side of things, which doesn't surprise me. I'm glad she went for some counseling though, and I hope she goes again.

What a rollercoaster

2006-06-16T07:50:00.000-05:00

We arrived in Nashville, and the first thing we got to do was almost get arrested. We went to get our rental car, and David questioned their policy on charging us two full days when we'd only need the car about 4 hours on the second day. She said that was their policy, and all the rental companies were that way. She said she didn't like his attitude and wanted him to step away from the counter, and if we didn't, she'd call the police. We were like "what the heck" and then she did call the police. We called the customer service people, and they said they'd get back to us. David was talking with the cops in the meantime, and finally they said they'd walk with me to the counter and see if I could rent the car (the confirmation was in my name). The woman refused to serve me, and said we'd cost her a $200 bonus and she didn't feel inclined to help us. The whole thing was insane and very embarrassing, and we ended up having to rent a more expensive car from another company. Alamo has offered to pay us the difference in price, but David said all he wanted was an apology.

We then went and checked in, and met with the lawyer. David started looking over the forms M had filled out and a lot was missing, and it turned out she didn't really fill them out correctly. The lawyer gave us new forms to take to M. She explained TN law to us. We are not allowed to use Texas consents because we're following TN law with respect to the living expenses, so we have to use TN consents. They have a 72-hour waiting period, and then a 10-day revocation period after the 72 hours has passed. However, if ICPC has cleared, we can go home even if the revocation period hasn't ended. She said that M told her she intended to release the baby to our custody when she was discharged from the hospital.

We felt M out about the whole issue with the third kid. Apparently the family only lives about a 4-hour drive away, and they visit regularly. She had the little girl with her for a while but then she got an ear infection and was pretty sick, so she had the parents come and pick her up. There is definitely no formal adoption, but rather just some loose arrangement. So I guess we're okay with the third kid thing and the voicemail story, although I still find it odd. We discussed the hospital plan and we said we'd love to be there for as much as she would allow, and we are allowed to have a room at the hospital. We discussed contact after the birth, and she said she loves to get pictures and letters, and she'd like to have some visitation, although not as much as with the other family due to the distance.

Other than being overweight, she is very cute and personable. She has a fair, translucent complexion that is very pale with just a blush on the cheeks, blond hair, and big hazel eyes. The pbdad was good looking, nice high cheekbones and gorgeous skin color, a medium mahogany brown. Her other 3 children (with a different father) are all gorgeous, especially the youngest one.

We didn't go out to eat and parted ways because she still had moving things to take care of. We agreed to meet in the morning, and she gave us her address to Mapquest, and said they woke up early so we could call early. We called at 8 AM and her phone was off, and we left a message. I tried every 30 minutes, and also left a message on her sister's phone. At 9:30 we were tired of waiting and feeling frustrated, so we decided to check out and just drive over there. She wasn't home, and we called her sister again and she said she'd try to track M down and have her call us. We went to IHOP because David hadn't eaten much, and sat there feeling very annoyed that we were being blown off after flying all this way. We drove back to the house one last time, and I left the toy I had gotten on her doorstep and the lawyer's papers in the mailbox, and asked her to bring the ultrasound video to the SW or lawyer and have them mail it to me. We left messages with T and the lawyer asking for her mom's phone number, and decided just to head to the airport and go home. We were pretty steaming at this point, and thinking we were going to walk away and that she must have changed her mind after meeting us. T called me back with the mom's number, and also left M a message. She agreed it was really flaky behavior, although not surprising, and told us to tell the mom that this kind of behavior couldn't continue and that we would cut off funds if it did.

So we went to the airport, and I got on an earlier flight back to Houston. We went to the bar to have a drink and grab some lunch, and the guy next to us bought us drinks because we were having such a bad day (thank you, kind random stranger). Also Terry Bradshaw was in the bar, and David bought a Titans football and had him autograph it. I called the mom and she didn't seem to realize who we were, and I told her about cutting money off, and she said "oh, you're the people who want to adopt the baby" and I told her yes. She said she'd track M down and have her call us. Then the lawyer called back and said M had called her. Her daughter had gotten sick the night before and they spent the night in the hospital. Her cell phone died so she couldn't call us (we do have an 800 number and I'm sure she could have found a payphone, but I understand a sick kid). The lawyer told M we were pissed and she should call us right away. M called me about 15 minutes later and apologized profusely. The little girl has whooping cough and was really sick and she was worried. I told her I was sorry for looking like a stalker with all the missed calls and voicemails on her phone and that we'd assumed the worst, and she said oh no, she really liked us and wasn't changing her mind about the baby. She also said that the pbdad was glad he met us and felt much better about the adoption plan, and that he intended to sign his TPR as soon as he gets an ID. I told her to call me in a few days and let me know how her daughter was, and she said she'd call me last night with an update. She didn't call, but she's like that. If I don't hear from her in the next couple of days, I'm going to be upset though.

So we're going to keep taking this one day at a time. We both have a gut feeling that we will end up with the baby, but we have to deal with her flakiness, which is not so easy. That girl can really try my patience, I tell you.

We're feeling a bit better

2006-06-14T18:59:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post. Everything seems good here so far. M was late meeting us, and we called her and agreed to meet at the clinic. She showed up with a guy in tow, and introduced him as the pbfather. She was so late for the appointment that they couldn't see her, which was disappointing, but meeting him made up for it. She brought us a ton of photos of her kids, and seemed very sweet. Her commitment level seems high at this point - she was asking about the hospital plan etc. The pbdad said he was glad to meet us and know that the baby would be going to a good home.

We're going tomorrow to meet her kids, and I'll explain later about the whole third kid situation. But so far, all seems good. We feel much relieved.

The eve of our visit to Nashville

2006-06-13T09:46:00.000-05:00

We are off tomorrow morning early for Nashville. I called M yesterday to touch base about the appointment, and she was filling out paperwork at the apartment she found. She said she'd call me back (she didn't) but we chatted for a couple of minutes. She said it would be easiest to meet us at the hotel or the clinic, but she really hoped we could come and see her place and meet her kids so we can get an idea of what Bubba might look like. So that seemed like a good sign to me. I'm curious to see if it looks like she's making plans for this third child to stay there. I'm pretty sure she's lying about that, although I don't know what the motivation could be. I want to ask her about her relationship with the other family since they have a child that is a half-sibling to ours and I want him to know his sister. I also want to feel out her plans for after the birth, and see if I can get a feeling if she's planning to keep the baby or not.

I just hope that we get something resolved this visit, whether we walk away or stay committed.

More updates

2006-06-09T11:42:00.000-05:00

The latest update from the social worker is that she called M and M called her back. They are going to have the rescheduled appointment with the other social worker, but M was saying all the apartments she was looking at wanted to know who'd be paying her rent. The SW thinks there are some huge red flags here and wanted to talk to us before we pay any money, so she said she'd call M back. She asked M point-blank about her voice message. M hesitated, and then had a fast comeback and said that her third child, the one she isn't raising, is coming to live with her for the summer. She had previously told the SW that she didn't have much contact with them. M then called me, and said she'd been out looking for apartments. We chatted for a few, and then I asked her about the voice message (the SW recommended that I ask her and see what I got for an answer). She said that she needed to change the message, because her youngest had come for the summer (remember she just told the SW that she was coming for the summer, not already there). I said "you call her Junior?" and she said the parents did, because she looks like her father, and she was going to change the message to say the girl's name. The social worker's gut feeling is that M is just in this for the money and that she's very desperate to get a place to live. She thinks it's likely that it could fall through at the end and we'll be out the money (and heartache), but also said her crystal ball hadn't been very accurate lately. I don't know what to think or do. I left a message with my facilitator and want to discuss it with her, because I trust her.

We decided to give the first month's expenses and take our trip (and we arrived at this decision independently). We only have to give her about $1000, and we will just use it as part of our charity budget if we decide to walk. And we'll figure it out from there. The answering machine thing is very strange and it troubles me (I'm curious to see if the message has changed), but we decided we're not quite ready to walk away. I want to meet her in person before I accept/reject her; I think we have enough of a relationship that it's important. But I will be very careful, and we agreed if we don't feel good at any point we WILL walk away.

Sigh, it can never be easy, can it?

Update on our situation

2006-06-08T08:02:00.000-05:00

I got a call from my SW. She had tried calling M two days ago about her appointment today, and heard the voicemail and thought it was very bizarre as well. However, M did call her back yesterday and left her a message, and the SW thinks that's a very good sign that she intends to keep the appointment. And she said she would discuss the phone message with M. Then right as I hung up with her, T called me back and said she'd just spoken with M. M said she'd been really tired, and that she did have to start working again. She mentioned we had called and said she'd call us back last night after she got the kids to bed. T thinks it's a good sign that M at least took her call. She thinks it is the SW's place to discuss the message and that I shouldn't say anything at all about it. The SW will call me back today after they've met.

M did not call us last night. I took T's advice and called her at 8:30 and her phone did at least ring several times, so she was probably still putting the kids to bed. T wanted me to gently "remind" her that her appointment was today with the SW. When I worded the message, I think I implied it was okay for her to just call us today after the appt, so I'm not totally alarmed. David and I think that if she doesn't make the appt and we don't hear from her that we're going to walk away. But if she goes to the appt, we'll go ahead and go visit next week and see what happens face to face. I think she's just kind of flaky and not thinking at all about our feelings (which I think is normal). T also said sometimes we place too much stock in thinking about how they must be feeling, and that sometimes placing the baby is very easy for some people. I am still anxious as all getout, but we'll just see how today goes.

Freaking out

2006-06-07T07:47:00.000-05:00

M met with the lawyer and social worker last week. I called and left messages with them on Friday to see how the appointments went, and I also left M a message. I talked to the social worker on Monday, and she said that M was late and they didn't have much time to talk, but had agreed to reschedule. Her quick take was that M seemed very financially motivated. The lawyer said their meeting went well, and they contacted the father and got relinquishment papers to him, which he said he would sign. So that was a relief.

M never called me back, so last night I called her again. Imagine my shock hearing her answering machine message:

(beep) "Hi! You've reached M, A and V (her kids) and soon to be baby Junior!"

That does not sound to me like a woman making an adoption plan. So of course I panicked. I called T and left her a message, and we just spoke. She agrees that this is a major red flag. She told me to call the lawyer and the social worker and see if they can follow up and find out what's going on. Maybe M is having second thoughts, who knows. I know she can't afford to have this child but if she wants to keep him I understand. I'd rather find out now if there is a problem instead of after we've paid money and gone to visit, but it still sucks. I can't think anything but the worst at this point.

We're going to Nashville

2006-05-30T13:34:00.000-05:00

We have booked our trip to Nashville for next month. We'll fly out on June 14th early in the morning, and then go with M to her appointment at 2 PM. We will stay overnight, and then I'll fly home Thursday evening and David is off to Vegas for our friend's 30th birthday weekend. We will be getting the ultrasound video and I'm so excited! I am very excited and also anxious to meet M and her family, but I'm glad we're going.

M also called the agency and the attorney in Tennessee and set up appointments with both for Thursday. The lawyer says she will get the birth father information and attempt to contact him and get him to sign his relinquishment, which he is allowed to do before the birth. We would also hire a private detective if need be, but he knows of the baby's existence and has stated that M can do whatever she likes, so we think he'll sign. Worst case is that TN has a putative father registry. The birth is published in the paper, and if no potential father comes forward within 30 days, the birth father rights are terminated.

So, things seem to be moving along.

One-on-one Conversation

2006-05-24T20:07:00.000-05:00

I just spent half an hour talking to M on the phone, just the two of us. Earlier I got a call from T's assistant, telling me T was in the hospital with a birth mother (isn't she great?) and couldn't conference us, but M said to go ahead and give us her phone number. So I called her. I was really nervous, and when I dialed, I got this weird pop music singing, and then her voice, saying something like "if you're just calling to bug me, don't bother leaving a message because I won't call you back." Then it went to voicemail and told me that this subscriber could not accept messages at the moment. I thought that was really strange, and figured she just had a really bizarre outgoing message.

I waited an hour and called back, and the phone rang and she answered. We had a really nice talk, for about half an hour. She had her ultrasound today, and all looked good. It is definitely a boy, and he is now up to 1.5 pounds. She asked for a 3-D ultrasound for us and they said he had turned already and couldn't get a good image. She also said she had some blood test for Down's for us. She said she got video for us, and she'll give it to us when we come. Her next appointment is June 14th, a Wednesday, not a great day of the week, but we'll figure it out.

We talked about how she was feeling (tired but otherwise good), work (she quit, the midwife said it was okay - I know she knows she has support coming soon), the agency (she will call them back tomorrow), names (she told me how she named all her kids, and I shared our name with her and she seemed okay with it), lactose intolerance (all her kids needed soy formula), and more on names (we both have the middle name Anne - mine with an "E", hers without).

She told me that since it was a boy on the u/s, that we could start buying stuff. Little does she know I already have!

Ultrasound update

2006-05-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

I just spoke with T and all is well. The hospital needed to cancel M's appt next week but said they could see her tomorrow for her ultrasound. We won't be able to be there, but they're doing photos and video (cool!) that we will get. And then she will schedule her next appt for a Friday or a Monday and we'll make a plan to go for the weekend then. I have to say I'm relieved about not having to try and coordinate travel over Memorial Day weekend! We are supposedly going to have a conference call tonight or tomorrow to talk again. And M has been referring friends of hers to T and that is good, because it means she really trusts T. M will be calling the agency this afternoon to get squared away with them.

OK, I'm starting to believe this might actually happen. I did score a nice lot of baby boy clothes on eBay for $66!

Phew - crisis averted

2006-05-20T08:26:00.000-05:00

M had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and said she'd call afterwards. Wednesday night passed, but I figured she was busy with putting her kids to bed or something. I called T on Thursday afternoon to see if she'd heard from M, and she called me back and said she'd spoken to M's mother and M got home really late from her appointment and was exhausted, and that she was working all day Thursday. She said she would have M call T on Friday. Friday at 8 PM T called me and said she hadn't heard from M, and she was a little worried. But she also reiterated that M wasn't one of those warm, fuzzy, chatty Cathy birth moms and that she was hopeful to hear from her over the weekend. At this point, I started freaking out a little bit and having that sinking feeling in my chest and stomach that something was wrong. I started thinking I shouldn't have told anyone, I let myself get too excited, and of course this was going to fall through. Years of being an IF patient will do that to you.

At 9 PM T called back and said she was just drifting off to sleep when her phone rang and it was M. She said everything was fine, she was just tired and working and hadn't felt like talking. She asked if we still wanted to work with her - I wonder if maybe she was testing our commitment to her? Unfortunately she couldn't get a Friday doctor's appointment, and T thinks it is the Tuesday after Memorial Day. I kind of hope it's not that weekend, just because it's so hard to travel then. But, we'll make do. So for now, everything is fine and the crisis I was imagining in my overactive mind is averted.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

2006-05-18T13:15:00.000-05:00

I have to tell you, I think that being matched and waiting for the birth is so much harder than waiting for a match. Now I am obsessed with what could go wrong, and I am anxious all the time and not sleeping well. We have a wild card in the father - but he is known, and should be able to be tracked down, and he is allowed to sign his rights away before the birth. Tennessee also has a putative father registry, which means that if he doesn't come forward within 30 days of the birth, his rights are automatically terminated.

We also had some issues with expenses for M. Without going into personal details, let's just say she really needs the financial support we will provide her. We learned last week from our wonderful TN attorney that funds are only allowed in the 90 days prior to birth. Since M's due date is 9/13, this puts her at 6/13 before she can get funds. She really would like to move out of her current living arrangement on 6/1. She had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and she was going to ask the midwife if she would put a range on her due date, and say 9/1 to 9/13. If not, she did agree to stay put for the extra 12 days. It was very reassuring to hear her say that she wanted us, she chose us, was committed to us, and didn't want to look for another couple. You see, we can operate under Texas law or TN law. Texas law doesn't allow a dime to be paid in private adoptions, so we have to obey TN law. But, M had the option to find another couple in a different state that might have had less restrictive laws than Texas. Luckily, she's sticking with us.

M had her monthly doctor's appointment yesterday, and we still haven't heard how it went, so I'm getting all freaky now. We are waiting to hear when her next appointment will be, the ultrasound appointment, the one we are going to Tennessee for. I can't wait to find out the date of this appointment so I will know when we are going to meet this wonderful woman and her family in person. I also need to know if she contacted the agency in TN that will administer the expenses so I can see how that went. So many things that could go wrong ...

It's a BOY!!!

2006-05-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

I just spoke with M, and apparently she slipped on the stairs last night and her mom insisted they go to the ER to make sure all was okay. They did a bunch of tests on her, and she is fine, and the baby is fine, and it's a BOY!! She is measuring 22 weeks and the baby already weighs a pound, and looks good and healthy. She couldn't change her appointment next week, but she will make her June appointment for a Friday or a Monday and we'll go down that weekend. M said she was pretty sure she wanted to let us parent the baby after speaking with us, and she really enjoyed seeing our profile as well to put faces with the voices. To her, it was more important to talk to us rather than see our profile, and I think that's nice.

I called the lawyer in Nashville yesterday and left her a voice message, so as soon as she calls me back we can get the legal ball rolling.

WE ARE MATCHED!!

2006-05-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it. T called me yesterday about a situation, we spoke with the PBM on the phone last night, she got our profile this morning and really liked us, and she has chosen us! The baby is due September 13, but she will likely deliver early. She is CC and the father is AA, and she wants a nice open relationship. We will probably go to Nashville in the next week or two for her next doctor's appointment and to meet her and her family. She has strong support from her family and T feels like this is a very good situation with very little likelihood of falling through. We'll be speaking with M (our PBM) tonight again to tell her thank you and how excited and happy we are.

Can you believe we're going to be parents in just about 4 months?

This was not our baby.

2006-04-25T13:08:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: I just spoke with the social worker, and this is not going to be our baby. It turns out they were off an entire month on her due date, and that confirms that her ex-boyfriend is the father of the baby. So she is going to keep the baby since s/he has a full biological sibling as well.

I'm okay. Honestly, we were preparing ourselves for this, and hadn't gotten too emotionally attached to the particular situation since we had ample warning that this could happen. I'm happy for her though, that she's going to be able to keep her baby.

Hip Hop and the "N' Word

2006-04-25T09:18:00.000-05:00

I know this has nothing to do with adoption, but maybe it does. Maybe since we are adopting a bi-racial child, maybe I am More sensitive to race issues.
I am a middle aged man who recently decided that I like Hip-hop and rap. The one thing I really find distasteful is the excessive use of the word "nigger". Now I don't begrudge someone the right to express themselves in any language they wish, and I am not easily offended by foul language. Nigger however is another story. Given the way this word was used to separate and denigrate an enslaved population in our own country I cannot condone its use. I have even tried "singing" along with some of my new Hip-Hop tunes and whenever I hear the word Nigger come out of my mouth it does not sit well with me. So here is the dilemma. These are black artists that are using the word. As a black man I probably would not have any problem using the word since it seems to have become part of the black modern day vernacular. I am a Jewish White guy...I do not have the privilege of using this word. (Nor do I want that privilege) Since I am not comfortable with the word, I don't use it and I really don't like hearing it, but it is used by every Hip-Hop artist with the exception of BEP & EMINEM. So does that mean I should limit my experience to a few artists? Is it ironic that now the use of that word has the effect of limiting my exposure to Black culture in the US and separate me from them.

Limbo land

2006-04-18T16:14:00.000-05:00

I was contacted last week by T's assistant to see if we wanted to be presented for a situation. The PBM is 19 and from Honduras, and she is in the US illegally trying to raise money to send home to her daughter. Anyhow, she found herself pregnant again and wanted to place the baby for adoption. This situation is through an agency in NJ that T works a lot with. Initially we were the only couple in the running, and the case worker really liked us. She called us last Friday for a phone interview and we learned there was another couple in the running. That got us rather disheartened and we decided it probably wouldn't work out. She met with the PBM today and was going to make a selection. So all day today I have been going out of my mind waiting for the phone to ring.

The case worker (CW) called me this afternoon, and told us that we have been chosen to be the parents - IF the PBM decides to place. This girl has been very detached from her pregnancy and firm on her adoption plan, but now that her due date is imminent (she is due on Sunday) and she is feeling all hormonal, she is fantasizing about parenting. She is going to ask her ex-boyfriend (who is not the father of this child, but is the father of her daughter) if he is willing to help her. The CW is not sure which way this will turn at the moment, so we are taking it on a day by day basis. The PBM will be talking to the ex today or tomorrow and we will be updated as soon as there is more information.

So here we are in limbo land, not yet off the ride, waiting to see what unfolds in the next week or so.

A true mensch

2006-04-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

I have a friend at synagogue, a man who taught me how to read the Torah and has been my mentor as a Torah reader for the last several years. He and his wife have grown children my age, and four grandchildren, and have been very supportive to David and I during our infertility and adoption. After services on Friday, he pulled me aside and said "I imagine that this adoption business must be terribly expensive," and I said yes it was. He asked me how much, and I gave him a ballpark estimate. He said he would like to loan me money to help pay for the adoption, a no-interest, indefinite time period loan of up to $10K. I started crying, which is what I usually do when people are kind to me. That is more than either of our families has offered to us (not that I expected them to offer, but still).

So thank you, D, for being a true mensch and a very kind-hearted person. I love that you offered.

The world works in mysterious ways

2006-04-07T07:13:00.000-05:00

I've had a pretty shitty week this week (see last post). And to top things off, my beloved Linus was missing for about 15 hours yesterday. I let him out in the morning, and normally he goes and pees and comes right back in. Yesterday he felt like wandering. I saw him out front of the house as I was pulling out of the driveway and briefly thought of stopping to let him in, but figured David would let him in when he got up. When David got to work, he told me that he hadn't seen Linus, and when I got home, David and the girls were out looking for him. I started to worry a bit at this point, he is almost 16 and arthritic and his vision is starting to deteriorate.

By the time it got dark and we'd had dinner, I was starting to get pretty hysterical, so we got leashes on the girls and went to go look for him. As we were walking out, my cell phone rang and it was T calling. I spoke with her as we were walking. She has a woman with a 10-week old little boy in Texas, half Hispanic and half Caucasian, and she has decided to place him for adoption. T wasn't sure how "newborn" I wanted in a baby so called us, and we told her to send our profile. So it's going out today for delivery tomorrow. I feel excited about this one, as I do every time our profile goes out, wondering if this is our baby. We are the only family that T is submitting (I'm not sure if there are others from other sources).

We continued on our walk, and met the neighbors who live behind us. We were thinking Linus might have gotten in someone's yard and couldn't get out. We got back to our house, and David went to check out front again and I went out back, and the little bastard was sitting there waiting for us. He seemed rather put out, and I wonder if he spent the day trapped in a garage or yard somewhere. But thankfully my kitty is home.

Oh, and my best friend out of that gang of women did email me and reassure me that she likes me better than them anyhow and that we are most definitely still friends.

And T had just a little news on the twins. The PBM has not called her back, and T heard that she requested additional profiles, so we are probably not the family.

Something very painful has happened to me

2006-04-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

I came in to work on Monday to find an email from one of my friends, letting me know that another of our friends lurks on my adoption buddy group. She recently became pregnant, and I am thrilled for her, but I expressed on this adoption group that I was feeling a twinge of jealousy. During the days leading up to her ultrasound, there was a lot of talk of ultrasounds and heartbeats, and it brought up some bad memories for me. So I also said in my adoption group that "I wish she'd just shut up about it." I never expected that she, who is uninterested in adoption, would be lurking my buddy group.

Well, everyone in my buddy group apparently thinks I am the absolute worst person in the world. We all posted on a blog together, and I got banned from the blog on Monday. When I got to work on Tuesday, I found the blog had been moved elsewhere. Not one person has written me or acknowledged what happened to me. I am still feeling shell-shocked over it. You have to know that I have spent over a year posting daily with this group of women, and I thought we were friends. I can't believe grown women could act so childish, and I can't believe that they all hate me enough to just kick me out without warning. I feel as though I have been tried, convicted, and executed, all without even knowing why I was on trial. IF causes jealousy, even if it is a close friend. The degree of jealousy is much less than for, say, some fertile myrtle, but it's still there.

There is only one girl that I really truly care about remaining friends with, and I did email her after I first found out I'd been spied on, and she said "you still have me," which helps a lot. But I haven't heard from her since the blog moved, I think she's out of town, but it still sucksass.

It seems wrong to me to be lurking in my adoption group, and read something that I wrote in what I thought was a safe place, and then to have that used against me. Surely it has to be something more than just that? And why on earth was she even reading my adoption thread in the first place? My paranoid self says that she was looking for an excuse to cut me off, but it's hard to believe that she would be so malicious. But after seeing the swift reaction to what happened, maybe she is just that malicious.

I have a very heavy heart over this.

Still in the running

2006-03-28T10:26:00.000-06:00

I heard from T, and apparently the twin PBM had a death in the family, so that's why she didn't hear back for such a long time. T spoke to the PBM's friend, and the friend said that the PBM hadn't even looked at the other profiles yet, so T sent ours as well. The friend also said the PBM is struggling financially and T reminded her that if she matches then she will get expenses paid, so hopefully she will make a decision this week. The good news is there are only two other families, and I am pretty sure we are the only one in Texas. Since she wants a pretty open adoption we are hoping that us being nearby will help us to be chosen.

We did find out it is two boys, one for sure and the other probable. I have to admit I was really hoping for boy/girl twins, because I do want a little girl. But I will be thrilled if we get chosen!

The twin situation

2006-03-23T08:28:00.000-06:00

I called T last Thursday and said we wanted to be submitted for the twins, and didn't hear back. I followed up with a phone message on Friday and still nothing, so I assumed we had been submitted. On Monday, T's assistant emailed me asking for more profiles. I told her I'd get them, and asked about the twins. Well, imagine my shock on Tuesday when I got a response saying we were too late! I talked with T later and it turns out I misunderstood her. I thought I had until Friday to make a decision, and she ended up getting profiles on Wednesday and sent them out, so ours was not included. I was devastated, I had psyched myself up so much for this and was just heartsick to learn we didn't even get presented. She was planning to call the PBM on Tuesday and see how she was doing, and if she hadn't chosen anyone she would send our profile. She said she would call or email me after she heard from the PBM and still nothing, so I still don't know what's going on. I emailed her this morning. Sigh.

And T was in a bad mood when I talked to her. She was very defensive with me and wanted to make it clear that she didn't do anything "wrong" and that it was all on me. She said initially she sent profiles on Wednesday and Thursday to the PBM, and I said "if you sent some on Thursday why wasn't mine included?" She then told me she didn't appreciate me being all "snippy" with her. WTF? I was just asking a question and I was very upset, fighting off tears at that moment. I certainly don't think I was being snippy.

We also had another situation in Florida (this is the one due next week), but we didn't get chosen. I felt weird about the situation from the beginning, it wasn't through T but a friend's agency, but it just didn't feel right to me. So it worked out for the best that she chose another couple. I also sent an application and some profiles to Mother Goose, after a friend on the boards let me know they had some biracial situations available. They also had two twin situations but one got matched and the other decided to parent. We have one profile submitted and another should go out next week when they return from Spring Break (have you ever heard of an adoption agency taking Spring Break?).

My "Infertility Sucks" t-shirt

2006-03-20T11:55:00.000-06:00

I have this t-shirt that says "Infertility Sucks" and has a frowny face on it. It is similar to this one (I bought it from Cafe Press but they don't have the exact style any longer). I wore it in Tampa last weekend when we were flying home, and here are the reactions I got:

Some women on the tram to the terminal noticed it, and quickly looked away and didn't make eye contact with me. Somehow I'm thinking they're fertiles.
I was boarding the plane, and this guy in first class busted out laughing when I walked by. I said "what?" and he said "I love your t-shirt". Probably the male half of an infertile couple.
The stewardess asked me to explain my shirt to her, and I did. She used to be a foster mother, and told me to hang in there and that I would get my baby. She has twin grandchildren (the implication was IVF babies) and she proudly showed me their photos.

Would you adopt twins?

2006-03-16T08:19:00.000-06:00

T called me last week with a twin pregnancy situation. The PBM is in San Antonio and she wants a pretty open adoption with a Texas couple. The babies are Hispanic/Black, and I am waiting to find out if she knows their genders or not. They are due in June. At first we said no immediately, but then I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. So I called her and talked to her about it, and then David and I had a long discussion and did some research, talking to other twin parents and looking at our finances.

We were willing to accept twins during IVF, so it shouldn't be that hard of a decision. Yet, somehow deliberately choosing to adopt twins seemed like a big deal. It is a big deal. But how wonderful it would be! We could fulfill our dream of having two children while I am still under 40. The children would be biological siblings, which is absolutely fantastic. And we'd only have to pay for one adoption and not two. I know it will be hard at first, but all the twin moms say once you make it past the first 6 months to a year, it's wonderful because they have each other. My friends who are twins said they loved having a twin and that it was really special. So, we told T to submit our profile, and we will see what happens.

We also have three other situations we're being presented for, through agencies that my friends pointed me to. One is due at the end of March, and two in June. One of the agencies also has two twin pregnancies and we're going to consider those as well. Crazy, huh?

Still waiting for our baby

2006-03-08T07:24:00.000-06:00

Well, we didn't get chosen. It's a little disappointing because the odds were so good; this is the second time we've been one of two couples and not chosen. She said there was nothing she didn't like about our profile, so that is good to know. So now we wait again. T had another baby due in May that we can be considered for, so I'm waiting to hear from her if she is starting to submit profiles or not. A friend also got me a couple of leads through her agency so I am waiting to hear back from them to see if either is possible for us.

We are going to Tampa this weekend for a friend's wedding (and she is pregnant, only two months off the Pill, grrrrr). I will see my sister, and luckily my dad and stepmom will be down visiting my sister so I get to see them too. The pups are going to stay with a coworker of David's and we went over and met his dog last night. I think I might need a Sheltie for my small dog!

My EDD is today

2006-03-02T06:58:00.000-06:00

It's strange to think I would be 40 weeks pregnant right now. Maybe I'd even already have a baby, or be about to give birth. Who knows. Yet somehow, knowing that my baby is probably in utero somewhere, the uterus of a woman that I don't know yet, is very comforting. Our profile is out for a situation due at the end of April/early May, and there is only one other couple who will be considered. And they even may not want to submit theirs, for reasons I won't go into here. But I like those odds, and hopefully this potential birth mother will like us. I can't wait for that phone call telling me we've been matched!

A big shout out to women who are willing to give babies up for adoption

2006-02-28T20:20:00.000-06:00

Idiotic comment #whatever from my mom:

"I just don't understand how someone can carry a baby for nine months and then give it up for adoption."

Yes, she really said that to me. I want to say thank you to all the women out there who are willing to do just exactly this. Because of you, I will be able to fulfill my dream of being a parent (and yes, I pointed that out to my mom).

In other news, I went to NYC this weekend for my friend Reb's son's baby naming. Reb is one of my Dork sisters, and her son was born after several years/rounds of IVF. Unfortunately he was diagnosed with hemophilia, and they had his bris in the hospital. He had his naming this past weekend and I flew to NY. I stayed with Reb and her husband, and got to enjoy the baby all weekend. He is wonderful! We also got to have lunch with one of my other Dork sisters, who is picking up her Korean son today in Detroit. Lots of good news in Dorkland recently (another Dork sister had a c-section yesterday to deliver her son; we're still waiting on an update). Other than the cold on Sunday (and the woeful lack of front door cab service in Brooklyn), we had a lovely weekend.

More nursery pics!

2006-02-19T11:56:00.000-06:00

Here are a few photos showing the play room and the new dresser we got for baby's room. The playroom was a crawlspace behind a closet, and the previous owner ripped out the closet and finished it off. So it's a neat nook kind of space, with cupboards all the way down the wall for toys and books. One wall, that you can see here, has that chalkboard paint so they can draw on it. The room extends back several feet to the left behind the closet (bottom photo) and has a slanted ceiling from the roof. We're going to get a little table and chairs for in there.

Our new and improved profile

2006-02-15T08:10:00.000-06:00

I heard from T on Monday, and she went over the edits for our profile with me. She had pretty minor suggestions, tweaked some wording here and there, and had us take out our wedding photo. Most birth mothers are single and don't have happy feelings towards men, so she says no wedding pics. All her criticism was constructive and we now have a new and improved profile. I made 5 copies at Kinkos yesterday ($75, ouch) and now have a packet to mail her after work today with the profiles, our application, contract, home study, and a check for the referral program. She has two biracial situations to present us to, one due in April and one in May. We decided we'd really like to have a biracial child, because the mix of genes is so lovely. So now we wait, and see what happens.

I do have new nursery pics, but I haven't taken them off the camera yet. We went to Ikea last weekend and got a white dresser so baby now has a place for clothes storage. I also put together my Fisher Price Ocean Wonders Aquarium Mobile and attached it to the crib, and hung the cool clock from my dad on the wall. It looks like a real nursery now! And I ordered my Hotsling and my Kecci diaper bag. Both arrived and are wonderful. I'm going to brave the new nephew this weekend and see if he and Kayla fit in the sling, it seems small to me, but I got the size they recommended based on my measurements. We also got our sampler pack of cloth diapers from Tiny Tush, it was pretty overwhelming! I need to find directions on how to use all these diapers on the website.

The adoption ride is much more fun than the IVF ride

2006-02-03T07:33:00.000-06:00

We spent 24 hours of insanity starting on Wednesday night, when T (my facilitator) called us about a situation. The baby had already been born, and we would have needed to fly to Las Vegas today to pick him up if we were chosen. It was between us and one other couple, and in the end we were not chosen. The other adoptive mother was going to take a full year off then have her mother watch the baby, whereas we can only take 3 months and then baby will be going to the Montessori school for daycare. I am a working mother, and I love my job.

So, while it was insane waiting yesterday, it also was kind of exhiliarating, mostly due to the short timeframe. Surprisingly, I really feel okay about it and didn't shed a single tear. I felt WAY worse after a failed IVF cycle. At least we can keep working on this (no delays!), and I know my baby will be here soon. T says since we are so flexible that it should happen quickly, and she even predicted 2 or 3 more profiles and then it would happen. S he's going to help me redo the profile over the weekend and start getting it out there.

I learned a lot yesterday too - I need to keep a few more things in my adoption file for quick access; my boss and coworkers are amazing; my friends are amazing; my husband was with me every step of the day; I need to buy diapers; and that T is absolutely fuckingamazing. She was so helpful, supportive, gave me frequent updates, and was wonderful throughout the whole day. I feel very very good about using her and know that she is going to find us our baby.

The floors are done!

2006-02-02T15:26:00.000-06:00

The floors have been sealed, and WOW what a difference in the color! Sophie and Sadie say that the tennis ball bounces much better on the new floor than on the carpet.

Waiting is the hardest part

2006-01-30T09:50:00.000-06:00

The California birth mother is due today, and we still have not heard either way if we have been chosen or not. I am thinking either she wanted more profiles (so we're out of the running) or that she is leaning towards parenting. Either way, we have pretty much given up on this situation. I contacted T, my facilitator, and asked her if we could go ahead and edit our profile (she wants to help make it better and unique) and start submitting us to the other possibilities. I don't know if we can be submitted to all three or if we have to wait and do them sequentially.

Waiting sucks, but at least we know there is a baby at the end of the waiting. I feel like my whole life has been one big long wait to be a mother.

As David mentioned, my sister-in-law is being induced today. I'm not sure why they are inducing someone a week or two ahead of their due date, but that's the plan. So our new nephew will probably be born today some time. Am I jealous, you ask? Why of course. And it doesn't help that I would have been giving birth in about 4 weeks myself, if things hadn't turned out the way they did.

UPDATE: the CA situation has finally closed out, and we were not chosen (otherwise I'd have started a new post!). We thought we weren't going to be picked, since it was taking so long, but I'm just glad to know it's closed and we can forget about it.

So my wife tells me that I need to contribute

2006-01-30T08:24:00.000-06:00

Not that I have anything to contribute, but I thought I could at least satisfy her desire that I post to the blog today. The crib was suprisingly easy to assemble. I have to say that Baby Depot (Inside Burlington Coat Factory) is much better and cheaper than Babies Are Us. I am still suffering from sticker shock after going into that store. Baby Depot had a much bigger selection of cribs at much more reasonable prices. They also had this Bird Hand puppet that sang Old MacDonald while you moved its lips. It is hysterical. I can't wait to play with my niece and new nephew with it.

Also today I must visit two people in the hospital. My brother and sister-in-law are being induced today so I can meet my new nephew. Then I need to go to another hospital and pay my respects to a friend of mine who is having her gastric bypass surgery reversed today. I hope it is successful. She says that she just can't stop losing weight and is now at 100#! It will be a long day for me today.

Look what's in my nursery

2006-01-29T09:18:00.000-06:00

We went crib shopping yesterday. Here it is! I do plan to get rid of the dark blue curtain (it was left in there by the previous owners) and get something in turquoise to match the crib bedding. Do you think it's gender neutral enough?

Our new floors

2006-01-20T07:37:00.000-06:00

Here's a photo of our new slate floors (and my cat Killer). Note we cleverly managed to keep the TiVo plugged in so we wouldn't miss CSI last night.

The Case of the Missing Period, Part 3

2006-01-20T07:04:00.000-06:00

Well, the mystery isn't solved, and it only took 24.5 weeks, but I finally had a period. Granted it was scantier than past periods, and I've mostly gotten by on pantiliners (one day was heavy enough for a pad). But I'm tired of thinking of weeks since my miscarriage, so I'm going to go ahead and call this one a real period.

The OB/GYN appointment from HELL

2006-01-13T07:20:00.000-06:00

I had my annual physical scheduled yesterday. I arrived at the clinic, and had to wait a long time while the highly incompetent receptionist took forever to check in the girl in front of me. Finally it's my turn, and she says she doesn't have me on the books. I said I made the appointment months ago and it was in my Palm Pilot and I could show her my calendar. After spending forever looking (and continually asking me to spell my name and what my birthdate was) she finally finds my appointment - they had scheduled me for January 12, 2005, and not 2006. Doh. Then they tell me the doctor isn't even in the office, and her PA is seeing her patients. The PA agreed to see me, which was fine. Then they told me my insurance doesn't cover a well woman visit. I asked if they could bill it as a sick visit due to my history of cervical dysplasia, but they said no. I said fine, I would pay for the appointment. They are going to bill my insurance for the lab work, since a pap is covered (yes, I'm going to discuss with HR why the pap is covered but the appointment to get the pap is not covered). They didn't call me about my appointment since it didn't exist, so I didn't know I had to come with a full bladder and had just peed. I managed to squeeze out some urine and sat to wait.

So then the insurance lady comes out to talk to me. She says their clinic policy is that whatever doctor I see initially is my doctor, period. I had seen Dr. L and I wanted to see Dr. N. Nobody told me this when I made my appointment. She also said that I had an appointment last January and was a no-show. I had to point out it was their screwup, not mine, and the first time I was there was in October. I told her that I would see the PA yesterday and then find a new clinic if I couldn't see the doctor I wanted. She said she would have to okay the switch with both doctors, and I told her "whatever".

Next I go in and the nurse comes in to do my vitals. None of the health history that I painstakingly filled out by hand (cancer in family, etc) was in my electronic chart. Nice. So I had to answer all those questions again. Then she asked my last menstrual period, and I said "May 23rd" and explained my situation. I told her I was adopting, and had a physical form I needed filled out. She says "oh, you're going to get pregnant now that you're adopting". I explained that was pretty impossible, given my body. She insisted it would happen. I told her the statistics, that only 5% of people who adopt become spontaneously pregnant. She said "I'm sure it will happen for you since you're so sure that it won't". My blood pressure was high for the first time ever from all the stress of this appointment so far.

She left the room and the PA came in, and she asked me about the date of the period, thinking it was a typo. I explained my history to her again. She was very nice and I liked her. I told her she needed to have a discussion with her nurse and I found what the nurse said to me to be extremely offensive, and she agreed and said she would talk to the nurse. I had some blood in my urine so I had to try and squeeze out a few more drops before going home. Fun times.

Then I went to check out, and my paperwork hadn't cleared yet and I had to wait even longer. Finally I get the bill - $394! But then they gave me 5% off for self-pay. Only $170 of that was the doctor visit and the rest will be covered by insurance. The insurance lady called me to her desk and apologized for all the screwups and said I could see Dr. N when I come in the future.

I was boiling by the time I left there. Not such a great way to start a relationship, and I may still find another doctor. This one came highly recommended by my RE though, so I kind of want to stay with her. She just needs fewer idiots on her staff. I may send the office a letter with the contents of this blog post.

UPDATE: my nice HR lady says yes, well woman visits are covered on our insurance. Idiots. I am definitely going to find a new doctor. And I did send a written letter to the office addressed to Dr. N.

ANOTHER UPDATE: the nurse got fired. I got a phone call from Dr. N, and she said this nurse had been repeatedly warned about her "flippant attitude", and my letter was the straw that broke the camel's back. So I guess I'll stay put with this doctor for now.

Social worker visit update

2006-01-09T07:54:00.000-06:00

We had our social worker visit yesterday, and it was a piece of cake. She talked to us for about an hour, then we showed her the house and she took photos. She asked "did you do this all yourself?" when she saw the nursery, I think she liked it. She loved the playroom we have in there (I'll have to take photos of that too, it's really cute). Amazingly, we had the exact same wedding anniversary! The fertility gods smiled on her though, because she has a two-year old (we've been married 3 years). She'll have a draft to us for review next weekend. I have to get our health forms this week and our criminal checks, and then all the paperwork is in order. My sister is running the criminal checks for us (she has access through her job). Two references are in, and as soon as my friend gets back to Singapore this week I'm sure she'll do the last one.

Our profile was submitted to the birth mom in CA. So now we wait. They say we will be called if it's good news, otherwise emailed when the situation closes. I think that's a good system, I'd rather read bad news on email than get a phone call.

The mural is done!

2006-01-08T10:45:00.000-06:00

I busted my butt finishing it yesterday before the social worker comes today. It came out great (IMHO) except for the part where paint bled through my dropcloth and now I have bright blue splotches on the carpet. The glow in the dark Night Sky was a PITA to put up, and the adhesive they gave me stained the ceiling so I had to touch up the ceiling paint. But it totally rocks!

A whirlwind of activity

2006-01-05T14:46:00.000-06:00

After really buckling down the last few days, things are progressing. Here's what I've accomplished:

I found a contract social worker to do an independent homestudy. She is an angel and can expedite it and have it done in two weeks. She's coming over on Sunday to meet us. She only charges $600 and I checked her license with the state. She can also do our post-placement visits for $60 each. She also doesn't charge to update our homestudy if we want to adopt a second child.
I spent yesterday writing a Dear Birth Mother letter, buying scrapbook software, and several hours putting together a profile. Today I went to Kinkos, printed it out and had it bound. A copy is enroute to California for delivery tomorrow for the birth mother there. I'm also having my facilitator review it for future matches if this one doesn't work out.
We figured out the best way to finance the adoption, by taking a loan against David's 401K. We can borrow up to $35K if we need that much.

So, things are progressing. I have to get a registration form from the agency in CA and pay them a nominal fee ($200) to process my profile and get it to the birth mother. I get shown to 4 birth mothers for this fee, so if this one doesn't work out, she had a lot of other babies due in March and April. I called them to get the information and am waiting on them to call me back.

And speaking of phone calls - you don't get better service from HSM if you're a private customer. I spoke to them on Tuesday, she was supposed to call me back yesterday and didn't. I left a message this morning and still haven't heard from her. She's only managing like 20 families, how hard can it be to return a phone call?

Starting over again

2006-01-04T08:40:00.000-06:00

Well, after talking with my agency yesterday, I think we are probably not going to use them for a private adoption. First of all, they only place 10-15 babies per year. And they said the wait could be up to two years. Not acceptable. They also seem to charge an awful lot of money and don't provide much in exchange - they don't advertise or aggresively find birth parents to match with adoptive families.

So, we're kind of back to square one. This is very frustrating and overhwhelming, and I had a major meltdown last night just thinking about it. Thank G-d for sweet husbands and a good dose of puppy love. But I did find an independent social worker who says she can do a homestudy for us in 2-3 weeks, for $600. Sounds almost too good to be true, doesn't it? I am trying to figure out how to check her credentials, because if she's valid then this is a great deal and we'll just get it done. This way we are not tied to an agency if we find an independent situation.

I also learned of a situation with a birth mother in California yesterday. The baby is a girl, due at the end of the month, and is Filipino. The mother was healthy during her pregnancy and had excellent prenatal care. The father is a married man and wants nothing to do with her or the baby, and her family is supportive of her adoption plan, so it sounds like a great match for us. We are trying to get a profile together to send to her and see if she chooses us or not. If she does, we can use our independent homestudy and save a ton of money. There is also the possibility of using our HSM homestudy for a designated adoption. They are checking to see if we could finish it by the end of the month, and what the fees are for designated adoption.

A big decision for the New Year

2006-01-03T07:31:00.000-06:00

We made a big decision this weekend. After meeting with the SW and all the questions she asked us, we have decided to go for a straight adoption instead of fost/adopt, for several reasons:

I really want a newborn
I really want 100% surety that once the baby is mine, it's mine. I decided even a 5% chance I could give them back, after up to a year, would be too heartbreaking.
David feels very badly about mothers being forced to give up their rights to their children rather than voluntarily signing.
We can afford it.
We can stay with my same agency, who has a reasonably priced ($11K to $23K max) maternity program for domestic adoption.

We're still going to use Homes of St. Mark and the facilitator (in-state initially), and see who finds a match first. We're open racially up to full hispanic but decided no black (that was primarily family pressure and some personal choice). I feel very relieved about this decision, and I can't even tell you how thrilled my mom is. I am going to call HSM today and see what we need to do. I think all we have to do is an adoption seminar, and pony up some cash. All our paperwork and home study should still be completely valid.

I don't know if this will cause a lot of delays, but for now, this is where we're going and it feels like the right decision.

One interview down, two to go

2005-12-29T07:25:00.000-06:00

The interview was fine. Mostly a lot of questions similar to our PRIDE homework, and asking about the goals of PRIDE. We also talked about how I was raised, disciplined, my relationship with my family, my marriage, and my infertility. I did tell her that I drank wine daily, I hope that wasn't a mistake. She just asked and I wasn't on guard enough to lie about it, and I didn't think I should lie. I did tell her that I stopped easily when I was pregnant and wouldn't drink around my child. Ack, I should keep my mouth shut. But it wasn't bad, just long. And I love holiday weeks - the traffic at rush hour was nothing and I made it home in a normal amount of time. David is going in today, and she thinks she can probably come out next week to finish up.

Our first home study interviews are scheduled!

2005-12-22T10:36:00.000-06:00

FINALLY. It only took 23 days to get these interviews scheduled, far too long in my opinion. After I spoke with Cindy a couple of weeks ago, the contract social worker never called me. I started calling HSM to find out what was up, and of course got the run-around for a long time. Yesterday I got an email from Cindy that said "did you make contact with her?". Um, hello, how am I supposed to make contact? I don't know the woman's name or phone number. Cindy was in a very bitchy mood, and wasn't too pleasant to talk to. She even intimated that there could be further delays if something were wrong with my home study. Thanks, hon, for making me paranoid. But she said she would call the contract worker and have her call me, and lo and behold, she did! We have our individual interviews scheduled for Wednesday, December 28th, and she even likes dogs. And she agreed to come to Clear Lake, which saves us a trip into town at rush hour.

The Case of the Missing Period, Part 2

2005-12-22T10:32:00.000-06:00

Doesn't that sound like it should be a Nancy Drew mystery?

Anyhow, I saw the RE this week. The 12 days of prometrium did not bring on a period, so I had a consult scheduled. She gave me a dildo-cam and said everything looked fine. The lining was very thin, I guess the estrace didn't do much, but it looked normal. She checked for scar tissue at the cervix by poking a catheter through there and nothing is blocked. She is stumped. I quit the estrace and today I had a full blood panel done. I should get some of the results today (E2, FSH, LH) and some next week (thyroid, corticol, and some other tests).

Part of me is worried that it is early menopause. I am almost 38, and my FSH has always been borderline high (8-10) and I barely passed the Clomid challenge. My mom was also perimenopausal in her mid-40s, which isn't that far away. I have also been having terrible night sweats and hot flashes, David has been teasing me because I'm sleeping with no blankets and he's huddled under the down comforter, opposite of how we normally are. But in some ways it would be good, because I could let go of the ridiculous idea that I might get pregnant on my own. I do really want to have a period though, because I keep marking the date since my miscarriage, and that's a date I'd like to put out of my mind as much as possible.

UPDATE: I got my in-house bloodwork back, and things don't look great. My LH, E2, and FSH were all elevated. I had my highest FSH yet, at 11.6. E2 was 68 and LH was 12. Of course we have no idea where in my cycle I am, but the look of the lining and ovaries indicated fairly early in the cycle, so these should be roughly equivalent to day 3 levels. Sigh.

D'var Torah, Parshat VaYishlach, December 17 2005

2005-12-19T11:54:00.000-06:00

I gave the d'var Torah at shul this weekend, and this is what I said:

Infertility in the Torah: A Jewish Perspective on Assisted Reproduction Techniques (ART)

I know that most of you are used to seeing me standing up here with the Torah in front of me, but I figured it was time to talk about some of the contents of the Torah. I am not going to discuss this week’s parsha, VaYishlach, in particular, but I could have given this d’var any time in the last several weeks, as we’ve been reading Bereshit. I’d like to discuss a subject that unfortunately I have become an expert on - infertility and assisted reproduction. As most of you know, David and I have been struggling to have a baby for the last three years, and this is a subject that is rampant in the Torah.

Bereshit 1:28 says, "Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it".

Unfortunately, Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel all had a difficult time fulfilling this commandment. Let’s take a look at each of our matriarchs and how they dealt with infertility.

First we have Sarah. Bereshit 11:30 says, “and Sarai was barren; she had no child”. Eventually she offers her handmaid, Hagar, to Avram, and Hagar becomes pregnant. This is the first instance of some type of assisted reproduction in the Torah, and was very common in Biblical times. But Sarah then feels that her social position has been diminished, because Hagar was merely a servant and she is the wife. Yet G-d continually promises Abraham that he will be the father of a great nation, and Sarah surely wonders when this is going to happen, if ever. We know that Sarah was bitter in her old age about being infertile, to the point where she laughed when G-d’s messenger told her she was finally going to become pregnant. I would laugh too, if I had given up all hopes of ever having a child of my own, I wouldn’t believe it and would be totally surprised. Bereshit 21:1-2 says, “And G-d remembered Sarah as He had said, and G-d did unto Sarah as He had spoken. And Sarah conceived, and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which G-d had spoken to him”.

Our second infertile matriarch is Rebekah. The only mention we have of her infertility is Bereshit 25:21, which says, “Isaac pleaded with the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord responded to his plea, and his wife Rebekah conceived.” I am not sure why Isaac pleads on her behalf, rather than her asking G-d directly. But Isaac’s prayers are answered and she becomes pregnant with twins. However, it is a difficult pregnancy, and she is worried through the entire pregnancy that something is wrong. This is a very common reaction for a woman who has finally become pregnant after years of infertility. She just can’t believe it’s real, and she has so many friends who have miscarried that she is convinced it will happen to her as well.

Our third infertile matriarch is Rachel. She is not only infertile, but she also has to deal with an infertile woman’s worst enemy – the uber-fertile sister. Every time Leah becomes pregnant, Rachel’s pain becomes more and more magnified. She anguishes over when it’s going to be her turn, or if it will ever be her turn. Finally she becomes so desperate that she says to Jacob, “give me children or I will die”. Rashi explains that this statement signifies that a childless person is accounted as dead. Rachel's next act was even more desperate. Reuven, the firstborn son of Leah, returned from the field with some plants called "dudaim" (Bereshit 30:14). The biblical commentator Nachmanides suggested that these plants were herbs which promoted conception. Reuven presented them to his mother for her use (although I don’t know why she would need them, since she already has 4 sons at this point). Rachel observed this and begged her sister for the plants. Then she made a deal: in return for the dudaim she would allow Leah to spend one night with Jacob. Ironically, Leah's fifth son was born as a result of this deal. Finally after seeing Leah give birth to two more children, Rachel’s prayers are answered and G-d opens her womb and she gives birth to Joseph. Immediately, she asks for G-d to give her another son. Even though Rachel’s prayers are again answered, sadly, she dies in childbirth with Benjamin.

There are some other lovely stories in the prophets about infertile women, such as the famous Hannah whom we read about on Rosh Hashanah, and the story of Samson’s unnamed mother.

Infertility was not only a painful and tragic experience for the Matriarchs. It continues to afflict many Jewish couples. The biblical notion of infertility was that it was due to the female (notice how Hagar got pregnant immediately, in contrast to Sarah). Among all cases of infertility, about 20 percent can be traced to male factors, 38 percent can be traced to female factors, 27 percent can be traced to factors in both the male and female partners, and 15 percent cannot be traced to obvious factors in either partner. Infertility should therefore be viewed as a “couple” disease, regardless of which partner is affected. The Conservative movement has also created a ritual for coping with infertility, so that the pain need not be borne alone. You may recall that Rabbi Strauss did a lovely prayer for us in the synagogue about a year ago. This ritual can be performed in public or private, as the couple wishes.

In modern times, we have many assisted reproduction techniques to help infertile couples, and Judaism is fairly liberal on the use of ART. In fact, in Israel, in-vitro fertilization is covered by the state health care. Judaism also appreciates medicine as an aid to G-d, so these techniques are not considered abhorrent. In general there is no problem in Jewish law with seeking out any treatment where the woman’s eggs and the man’s sperm are being used. Halacha becomes interesting when you are using donor eggs, donor sperm, or a gestational surrogate, and I will talk about these issues in a moment. Another interesting point is that if a couple is diagnosed as infertile, they are released from the commandment of “be fruitful and multiply”, and are not obligated to pursue any ART (they may, however, choose to do so).

First, let’s answer the question: What is infertility? The International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination (INCIID) says that infertility is the inability to conceive after a year of unprotected intercourse in women under 35, or after six months in women over 35, or the inability to carry a pregnancy to term. The first step in seeking treatment is to determine if the woman is ovulating regularly, and to do a semenalysis on the male partner. Both of these tests are simple and painless, and can save time down the road. Also a test called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is done, in which dye is injected into the fallopian tubes to ensure that they are open (side note – this was by far the most painful procedure I went through). There are drugs such as Clomid that can be taken orally in order to help regulate anovulatory or irregular women. If natural conception (with or without Clomid) does not work, then the woman will find a reproductive endocrinologist, who specializes in infertility disorders. If the woman is ovulating and the male partner is normal, generally the first line of treatment is to try artificial insemination, also called intrauterine insemination (IUI). In this procedure, a semen sample is collected from the male partner, and the sperm is injected directly into the woman’s uterus, after being treated to remove proteins that could cause shock and even death in the woman. Many more sperm can be injected into the uterus than would find their way naturally. Hopefully the sperm will find their way into the fallopian tubes and fertilize the egg. There is some controversy regarding how semen may be procured for the procedure. Since there is a biblical admonition regarding the "spilling of seed", some rabbis insist that the husband may not ejaculate to provide a specimen. However, since the intention of the procedure is specifically to enhance procreation and the semen is not being wasted, ejaculation to produce the semen may indeed be permissible. Artificial insemination has been performed for many years, and the question of the halachic validity of this procedure has been discussed by many sources. Most rabbinical authorities approve of artificial insemination if the husband's sperm is used.

The next line of treatment is to use injectible hormones for the female partner in order to hyperstimulate her ovaries, so she is producing multiple eggs (on the order of 2-6) to fertilize. As long as there is no male factor, this technique can be successful with IUI. Giving the sperm more “targets” can increase the likelihood of one of them finding its way. If IUI fails, often laparascopic surgery will be performed in order to assess the condition of the woman’s uterus and uterine lining. Endometriosis is one of the main causes of female infertility, and often removing the endometriosis can remove barriers to contraception.

After IUI doesn’t work, the next line of treatment is in-vitro fertilization (IVF). In this case, the woman’s ovaries are hyperstimulated with a regimen of injectible hormones in order to produce many, many follicles (10-20), and when they are mature, they are removed in an outpatient procedure. The husband provides a semen sample, and the eggs are then allowed to fertilize in a dish in the laboratory. After 3-5 days, the best embryos are chosen, and they are returned to the woman’s uterus, where hopefully one of them will implant and make it 9 months.

When more than one fertilized egg is implanted into the woman, this may result in a multiple pregnancy. When there are three or more fetuses growing in the womb, this results in a high risk pregnancy, and selectively eliminating one or more of the fetuses, may be recommended. Is this halachically permissible? Ending the life of a fetus is not considered murder by halachic definition, but it is not permissible either. The Conservative movement ruled that it is halachically acceptable in certain cases – in order to protect the woman from a serious threat to her health, and of course with the justification of protecting the remaining fetuses. However, Jewish law recommends transferring no more than 2 to 3 embryos in order to minimize the risk of selective reduction.

One procedure associated with IVF is preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). In this case, a cell is removed from an embryo in the early stages of development and the DNA is tested for genetic disorders. This procedure is acceptable in Jewish law in order to avoid having a child with a severe genetic disease. PGD should certainly not be performed purely for the issue of gender selection, unless there is a disease that would be genetically linked to a specific gender.

Another issue with IVF is that when IVF is performed, the woman is stimulated by hormone treatment so her ovaries can produce up to 20 eggs per cycle. The eggs are harvested and fertilized, but only three or four can be used in that cycle. The rest can be preserved by freezing. How does Jewish law address the issue of extra embryos? The fate of extra embryos could include: (A) Use of them by the original couple to establish future pregnancies (rabbis affirm this use). (B) Destruction of the extra embryos (permissible halachically if this is done passively, by letting them thaw out and die on their own). (C) The use of these extra embryos for research. Since this is an active process and results, ultimately, in their destruction, this is not generally acceptable by Orthodox rabbis. (D) Donation of the extra embryos to another infertile couple. This option is not approved by many Orthodox rabbis because the "adopted" child may inadvertently marry his/her genetic sibling, resulting in incest. However, the Conservative movement has ruled that after careful consideration of the implication of their actions, a couple may donate embryos to another couple to have a child.

The issues involved in using donor sperm or eggs can create halachic problems. Some rabbis object to the user of donor insemination on grounds of adultery. In this case the child would be illegitimate (a mamzer). There is also the possibility of unintentional incest in the next generation if the sperm donor is unknown. This issue is resolved in Jewish law if the donor is known and the children avoid his offspring as mates. The Conservative movement has ruled that donor insemination does not constitute licentiousness or adultery, and the child conceived is fully legitimate. For purposes of priestly status, the child follows the status of the semen donor, if known, or else adopts the default status of Israel.

In the case of egg donation, the procedure is more medically risky than in the case of donor sperm, since the egg donor is treated to hyperstimulate her ovaries and obtain as many eggs as possible. Jewish law does not permit one to endanger onself unduly. Egg donation should only be used, therefore, when the couple has seriously considered all other options, including adoption.

When an egg donor provides an egg for an infertile couple, the recipient, usually a sterile woman who cannot produce eggs, serves as the gestational and birth mother and she gives birth to and raises the baby as her own. In this case there are two categories of motherhood: a genetic mother, and a gestational/birth mother. These functions can be performed by two different people, who may or may not be related to each other and may or may not have any connection with each other (other than their individual contributions to producing and raising the child).

There are rabbinical authorities who reject outright the idea of using donor eggs. Others believe that a woman may receive donor eggs as long as her husband has consented. The question of who is the mother is extremely complicated to answer. This is certainly a critical question as it impacts on the status and identity of the baby. According to traditional Judaism, the status of "who is a Jew" is determined by whether or not the mother is Jewish. In the case where the genetic mother and the gestational mother are the same person, then the issue is clear. What happens when the genetic mother is a different person from the gestational mother? Which mother is considered the mother for the halachic decision on religious status? If the genetic mother is not Jewish and the gestational mother is, what is the status of that infant? Rabbi Moshe Heinemann, Rabbinic administrator of Star-K Kosher Certification, states unequivocally that if the egg is from a non-Jewish woman, then the baby is not Jewish. In this very stringent ruling, when a donor egg is used, the birth mother is not considered the halachic mother.

Other rabbinic authorities have also addressed this question and have concluded that there is halachic uncertainty regarding who is the mother. Rabbi Moshe Tendler writes: "the contributions of the gestational mother are quite consequential" (Pardes Rimonim, 1988). In fact, many halachic authorities regard the birth mother, rather than the egg donor, as having maternal status. The halacha on many issues relies on what can be readily observed with the naked eye. For instance, microscopic or small amounts of non-kosher contaminants in kosher foods, do not necessarily render the food non-kosher. Thus, the decision on maternity may be based on which mother gives birth (an action which is incontrovertible, and readily proven), rather than which mother provided the egg (a microscopic contribution, albeit a critical one). On the other hand, considering the important role that inherited status plays in some Jewish circles, genetic status could be of paramount importance, and perhaps the mother who provided the egg should determine Jewish status. The Conservative movement ruled that egg donation is not licentious or adulterous. The identity of the mother for the purposes of Jewish law follows the bearing mother – i.e. the child is Jewish if the woman who bears the child is Jewish.

The use of a gestational surrogate, where the couple’s own embryos are implanted into another woman who then carries the baby to term, is still a relatively new area of Jewish law and opinions are divided. Rabbi Elie Spitz says that surrogacy is a new legal construct, and that Jewish law has no precedent for splitting biology and gestation. However, he believes it would be wrong to outlaw a procedure that has the potential to help so many couples overcome infertility, as long as one is aware of all the ramifications. The surrogate should have her rights protected, and be allowed to make any medical decisions regarding her health. There should be concern for the well-being and rights of the child and to avoid exploitation of the child or the surrogate. Rabbi Spitz concludes that it is permissible to employ a surrogate, and that the man fulfills the mandate of procreation in this case.

In contrast, Rabbi Aaron Mackler says that surrogacy cannot be halachically recommended, and in most cases would be forbidden by Jewish law and ethics. He is primarily concerned with exploitation of the surrogate and the child, particularly if the surrogate already has a family; and about the legalities that we discussed in the case of egg donation about who is the child’s mother. He believes the surrogate should be allowed to request custody of the child at birth, while Rabbi Spitz believes the surrogate is obligated to release all claims to the child once it has been born.

Most of these issues can be overcome by converting the child at birth, to ensure that they are halachically Jewish.

David and I underwent most of the treatments I have just described to you, and we chose to end treatment after our third IVF cycle ended in miscarriage. Our diagnosis sadly falls in the “unexplained” category of infertility, although my doctor has suggested the use of donor eggs simply due to my advanced maternal age (yes, since I’m over 35, I am advanced maternal age). We have chosen instead to build our family through adoption, because it is the one treatment that is 100% guaranteed to result in a baby. I have struggled a lot with my faith during these last few years, especially when I read the stories of the matriarchs and how their prayers were answered. Lord knows I have prayed enough for my womb to be opened, and it hasn’t happened yet. Deuteronomy 7:12-14 says “if you obey these rules and observe them faithfully, the Eternal, your G-d, will maintain for you the gracious covenant that G-d made on oath with your forbears. G-d will love you and bless you and multiply you … there shall be no sterile male or female among you.” For an infertile woman, the implication seems to be that fertility is an integral part of the covenant. Is barrenness next to godlessness? I choose to believe the answer to this question is a resounding “no”. I believe that G-d will answer my prayers to be a mother, just in a different way.

Note: much of the information in this d’var was taken from an article written by Dr. Miryam Z. Wahrman, who is a Professor of Biology at William Paterson College in Wayne, New Jersey. She set up and ran the first In Vitro Fertilization laboratory in New York City. I would also like to thank Rabbi Steve Morgen for loaning me the Responsa of the Conservative Movement to help me with the legal issues.

A letter to my mom

2005-12-14T06:53:00.000-06:00

Dear mom,

After we spoke last night, I still didn't walk away from the conversation really believing that you believe this adoption is happening. You had that "ohhhhh-kay" kind of tone, which generally indicates that you seem like you're agreeing with me, but you really aren't.

This is the first time since we've started trying to have children that I honestly believe I am going to be a mother. The beautiful thing about adoption is that you have a 100% chance of walking away a parent. That is something no reproductive doctor can tell you. I can't tell you what a relief it is to know I finally have a 100% chance after all we've been through in the last few years. Adoption has its own ups and downs - there is a lot of waiting, we don't know exactly when we're going to get our baby, a birth mother could always change her mind, a foster/adopt situation could be reunited with the birth parents. We are aware of these risks and feel that they are minimal compared to, say, the odds of having a miscarriage. But we are also trying to minimize the risks.

The agency I am working with specializes in infants and toddlers who are relatively healthy, and have a low legal risk. This means that the judge has already recommended termination of parental rights before I get the baby (although the TPR has not yet happened), and these cases are very rarely overturned. My agency works with a judge that normally recommends TPR at the initial hearing, so there is little legal risk for me. My agency also realizes that I have been through years of infertility treatment and a loss, and they would never match me with an infant that had a high likelihood of being reunited with his/her birth parents.

I am also working with a facilitator to pursue a private adoption. There is a risk in this situation that the birth mother could change her mind after giving birth, but they provide counseling for the birth mothers to try and ensure they are ready to give up their baby. They only match us with women who are in the last trimester of pregnancy, because these women are less likely to change their minds.

I know this baby doesn't exist yet. But I will be a mother in 2006, probably no later than the summer and most likely in the spring. Preparing the room and buying things for the baby is very therapeutic for me. Having people give me gifts for the baby is also very exciting, because it recognizes that there finally is going to be a baby. If I were 29 weeks pregnant, which is where I would be right now if I hadn't lost the baby, would you feel comfortable buying things for the baby? Would you feel comfortable throwing me a baby shower? I know I am only "paper pregnant" which makes it harder for you to envision the end product, but this paper pregnancy is far more real to me than the pregnancy I lost. I would love for you to be just as enthusiastic as if I were pregnant. I would love for you to ask how things are going with the adoption when we talk. I would love for you to start knitting things for the baby, and send my childhood books for the baby, and recognize that there is going to be a baby.

Love,

Melissa =)

A very bizarre wedding anniversary dinner

2005-12-08T08:36:00.000-06:00

We had a really nice, but incredibly bizarre dinner last night. We went for sushi, and at the next table were three adults and three little girls. Two of the adults were a couple, a blond woman and a hispanic man, and the other woman was hispanic. The kids had these strange bottles of something they were drinking, and I scootched over and started asking the oldest girl (around 8, back of photo) what they were. She told me it was Japanese sprite and told me in great detail all about how the bottle worked (it had this weird marble like thing in the top that provided the carbonation and cooled it). The other little girls started talking to us as well, and the littlest one (4, on my lap) gave me a big hug and asked if she could sit on my lap. So David and I are playing with these little girls, and the mom (the blond) comes over to the table and asks if they're bothering us, and we assured her they weren't. I had been staring at them all evening because they were all so cute, and I was wondering if she thought I wanted to kidnap them. We were joking about stealing them etc. Mom was kind of drunk, offered us sake, etc. She went back to her table and said "you really need your husband to impregnate you". As we were leaving, they were leaving as well, and I told her that I couldn't have kids and we were adopting. She immediately said "I'll carry one for you". I said that's what I needed, was a ute that worked. We all walked out together, said goodbye, and I got in our car. David realized he had forgotten the umbrella and went back. She tapped on the door and I opened it, and she says "take down my name and number". She offered to donate eggs to me, and said she was being a donor for the other woman and that's why they were all having dinner together. The other woman came over and was telling me how great this lady was for doing this for them, and if they had leftover embryos I could have those too because she and her husband were Catholic. The mom said she loves children so much, and she gets pg easily and has easy pregnancies, and she would be happy to surrogate for me or donate for me. Then she added "and plus I'm cute" (she was, in a blond average looking kind of way). I thanked her, took down her numbers, and we parted ways.

How bizarre was that? David and I were totally freaked out, but in a kind of cool way, especially since it was our wedding anniversary. We decided though that we're sticking with the adoption path, but we may contact her in the future. Who knows? But how kind of a total stranger to want to do something like that for me, it really touched me to know these women exist.

So, to all of you egg donors and surrogates out there, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

She finally called!!

2005-12-08T08:24:00.000-06:00

THE SOCIAL WORKER CALLED ME!!!!

I was in shock, because I heard that she was out of the office yesterday, so I definitely didn't think I'd hear from her. OK, here's the poop: they have a contract SW who is going to do our home study. She is finishing up some agency-specific training this week and we are going to be her first clients. She will schedule with us next week. There should be no problem doing the interviews before the holidays and the home visit in January. She says I shouldn't have to wait more than 6 months for a referral. Hallelujah!

If we end up using the facilitator to get a referral, I can use HSM to do a "designated adoption" and we can use their home study, counseling, and legal services, for a fee of around $10K (plus the birth mom fees). If however I hire a private adoption attorney, I would need to do a new home study at my expense.

HSM also has a maternity program, and she said we can pursue the foster/adopt and the straight adoption simultaneously. We don't need to do any additional work, and the fees are around $23K. She also said (without me asking) that David and I look really good on paper, and that if a really great match came along, she felt confident that we would be chosen over other couples (AHA - there is competition).

So, we are on target for the arrival of our baby in 2006.

Mural photos

2005-11-30T09:21:00.000-06:00

To the left is a before photo. The walls are mustard yellow, which we decided to keep. The ceiling slants down and we're going to paint that part like the sky with the sun, then I ordered a glow in the dark stencil kit of the actual winter night sky for the ceiling. The curtain in the room is a dark blue which I thought would work, but it's darker than all the blue in my bedding so I'll have to get something else.

To the right is an after picture. The shots are kind of dark because our camera died and I had to use the camcorder. All the fish were from a stencil set, but I had to do the seaweed myself. I printed out some photos of seaweed stencils and just kind of winged it. I think it came out pretty good.

Below are some closer shots of the details.

Waiting to schedule our home study

2005-11-30T09:11:00.000-06:00

We are now completely finished with everything except for our home study. Our social worker, Lindsey, told me to call her after Thanksgiving and get it scheduled. I asked her if I needed to talk to her, or her boss Cindy, and she told me to call her. I called on Monday and left her a message, and she called me back yesterday afternoon. She said she can't do our home study because she has too many others going on, and I have to call Cindy to schedule it. I wish she had just told me to call Cindy from the beginning. Cindy is a great person but she is really slow to return phone calls, so I feel like I lost two days waiting. I just want to get that date set so I will have something to look forward to. We will have an individual interview with the social worker, then a couple interview, then they will come to the house for a home visit and to meet the beasties. I am still optimistic that we can get on the waiting list by the beginning of February.

We are also going to sign up with an adoption facilitator who has helped several of my friends. She only charges a nominal fee, and seems to have a high placement rate. It can't hurt to have all our bases covered, right?

In the meantime, to keep busy, I have been working on the nursery. I even have a registry set up! The mural is almost done. I'll start a new post for the mural pictures, it seems like that will work better since I'm not so great at this Blogger stuff yet.

And I still haven't gotten a period. I start prometrium tomorrow for ten days, and if no period afterwards I have an appointment with the doctor.

We have the GREEN light!

2005-11-18T09:22:00.000-06:00

We went to our final PRIDE class last night! The social worker told us our file is now green which means that all our paper work has been turned in. What a relief! I can't believe we're almost finished. We have our infant CPR and First Aid tomorrow and then all our requirements are finished except for the home study. The home study will likely begin after Thanksgiving and be wrapped up after Christmas. We each have to have a private interview at Homes of St. Mark, then a couple interview. After that is all done then the social worker will come to our house for the home visit. So we should be on target to go on the waiting list some time in January.

The system works like this: the child is removed from the home, for whatever reason. CPS must go to court within 24 hours and notify the court they have removed the child. Then in ten days they schedule a show cause hearing and present evidence as to why the child should remain outside the home. I learned that there are certain judges who will fast track the TPR by ordering that it should be pursued at the show cause hearing. My friend Beth keeps referring to a specific judge and how great he is, so I am assuming that he is one of these judges. This is apparently the best way to get infants, by accepting this small amount of legal risk. It is rare that the order for TPR gets overturned once it has happened, even though it is always a possibility.

We met another couple at PRIDE who adopting from Homes of St. Mark and they have heard nothing but good things.

Familial reactions, part 3

2005-11-14T10:24:00.000-06:00

I went to DC this weekend to visit my Dork sisters IRL. While I was there, I spent the day with my cousin. I was discussing my mom's lack of enthusiasm and support with her, and how much it was upsetting me, and asked if she knew what was going on since she just visited my mom recently. The reason that my mom is so worried about the adoption is ...

she is afraid I'll get a baby that has to be returned to its parents and I won't be able to deal with the heartache.

Wow, I feel on one hand like a major heel for believing the worst about her automatically, and also greatly relieved that this is the issue. This is my biggest fear as well, and is also the reason I will wait for a child that already has TPR. Phew, we can put those fears to rest. I am still going to talk to her about needing her to be more excited for me and to act as if I were pregnant, because I am paper pregnant.

My cousin also brought up the shower issue, and wants to do whatever I want to do about it. I am leaning right now towards not having a shower, but just registering for some things that I know I need, then having a meet the baby party after the adoption and conversion are done. She said she wants to be involved no matter what I decide.

I spoke with the social worker this morning, and we are all set to finish PRIDE this week. She will bring her calendar tomorrow night and we're going to schedule the first home study visit. She thinks we can start between Thanksgiving and Christmas, then finish up after the first of the year. That timing works out well for us since I have to wait until the end of February for my FMLA eligibility. I told her how we were going to do our questionnaires separately and then compare notes, and she thought that was a great idea and she was very pleased we were approaching it that way. The paper chase is almost done!

The case of the missing period

2005-11-10T10:35:00.000-06:00

I called the doctor on Monday to inform them that AF was still missing. They had me come in for another pregnancy test (after my HCG on 10/18 was 1.4, and we haven't DTD in a long time due to David's surgery). Shockingly that test was negative (I thought I was just fat, not six months pregnant). They think my lining may not be building up enough, so I am on estrace for a few weeks and will start Prometrium on 12/1. After 12 days of that I should get a period, and if not I have a consult scheduled with the doctor.

I'm definitely not in a real hurry to get another period or anything, but I am still counting weeks since the miscarriage and that date is now cemented in my head. Once I have a cycle again then I can finish putting it behind me. And of course, there is always the small hope that we could get pregnant on our own.

On the adoption front, we just turned in a huge pile of papers to the social worker. David has written his personal statement (made me bawl my eyes out, maybe some day I'll post his and mine here), and we finished the financial statement. I have the photo album all completed. Next week we will have our final two PRIDE classes on Tuesday and Thursday, plus CPR and First Aid on Saturday. Then we are done! We can schedule our home study! We have to fill out the form on what kind of child we want, and we agreed that we would fill it out independently and then compare answers. This way we can both be completely honest without influencing each other, and we can discuss our differences. I have a feeling we'll be pretty similar, we do tend to think alike.

I am hopeful that we can schedule the home study before Christmas, then we will be ready for our license. I think we should be able to go on the waiting list in January!

Familial reactions, part 2

2005-11-02T13:09:00.000-06:00

Another gem from my mother - I'm going to DC next week to visit some friends, and I will also visit my cousin. Mom (as usual) starts going on and on about how wonderful and adorable my cousin's kids are. I said "well, my baby will be cute and wonderful too" and she said "well, I don't know, you're not getting to pick what they look like or anything". WTF? That was really insensitive and hurtful. A baby that comes out of my body might not be "cute" either, which is what I told her. She really made me feel inferior because I can't give birth. I wish moms could just be supportive. And I feel like she is always comparing me to my uber-fertile cousin and I'm coming up short.

And still no AF for me, going on 13+ weeks now.

My Mikveh Lady

2005-10-26T21:23:00.000-05:00

I don't even know what I was watching or doing, but I suddenly wanted to capture this story.

I moved to Israel in 1997, and after a few months there, around March 1998, I decided I wanted to convert to Judaism. That's all a story for another day, but let's fast forward to the day of my actual conversion, August 1998. My boyfriend at the time, Uriel, and I had a terrible fight that morning. This was typical of our relationship, and I recall telling him this was a really important day in my life and I'd kill him if he messed it up. His parents picked us up and we drove to Jerusalem. We went to the park and had a nice lunch, then went to my beit din. I passed with flying colors, chose my Hebrew name of Hadassah, and off we went to the mikveh.

A mikveh is a ritual bath, where women go each month to cleanse themselves spiritually 7 days after their periods end, and it signifies a new beginning of the monthly cycle. Judaism is very tied to procreation. When one converts to Judaism, we also go into the mikveh. This one is in the hills outside Jerusalem, on the grounds of a monastery run by French monks. It is a mountain-fed spring, and very very cold. I had a woman there, with dark curly hair, who served as the attendant for several of us who were finalizing our conversions that day. I vaguely remember her.

Fast forward again to 2000, when I have been unceremoniously dumped by Uriel, who was supposed to move back to the US with me, and I am living in Austin, Texas. I attended the local Conservative shul there, and became friends with a group of people around my age, a little younger here and there, and we would have Shabbat dinners together. I was at the house of Marcus and Nora having dinner, with my at-the-time boyfriend Jordan, and our friend Galit. Marcus and Nora are about to become married, and were discussing if they would use the mikveh after marriage. Galit, who is an amazingly beautiful Persian Jew, with a voice like an angel, tells us of the summer that she spent in Israel volunteering for the Conservative movement, and how she served as a mikveh attendant one day in August for a group of converts. You figured it out, she was my mikveh lady. We later confirmed this with the rabbi who led my conversion.

Isn't it interesting how the world works?

Random Thoughts

2005-10-21T13:36:00.000-05:00

I went to the RE this week to have my progesterone tested, because it's been 12 weeks since the D&C and no AF in sight. P4 was 12.4, so I did ovulate, and they said to wait it out another couple of weeks and see what happens. I am scared of AF, I'm sure it's going to be the mother bitch of all periods after all this time.

Remember my green-eyed monster post? I was right that she was pregnant, but she is about to miscarry. Sigh. Another victim of the Infertility Gods and their evil plans to prevent us from having children. At least in her case she already has a daughter so it's not quite as traumatic. I'm not belittling anyone's pain or trying to get into a pissing contest, but I think losing a baby after repeated IVF cycles when you can't just try again is very different from already having a kid, or getting pregnant easily and miscarrying. Those women know they can try again, or choose to be content with their one child. I don't have that option.

Then there's the deal with my cousin. When I was pregnant, she wanted to throw me a shower and was all gung-ho about it. I figured I can still have a shower pre-placement, because we need baby things. I emailed her almost a month ago and asked her about the shower, when the timing would be good for her, etc, and still haven't heard back. I don't want to have to write again, I want her to offer, and to be excited about it. I guess I just want to be treated like any woman expecting a child, because I am expecting a child.

I did buy primer yesterday to get the wall ready in the nursery, and I'm going to paint it this weekend. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go pick out acrylic paint for the mural, and I'm excited to be getting started!

A plea to the Infertility Gods

2005-10-10T07:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Infertility Gods -

Why is it so hard to get pregnant? And why is it so hard to keep a pregnancy, once achieving that elusive goal?

I have been on an IVF buddy group with some women since our first IVF, about a year ago. We've had some other members come and go, as they get pregnant on their first IVF cycle, and now there are five of us veterans left. First I finally got pregnant, followed by a few weeks of ultrasound hell, and lost my baby. Then my friend Amanda gets pregnant, followed by the same few weeks of ultrasound hell and lost her baby. Now my friend Teena gets pregnant, followed by the same few weeks of ultrasound hell and lost her baby. WHY? It makes me so ANGRY that this keeps happening to me and my friends. I just want one of us to catch a break. Please?

Random things that made me happy yesterday

2005-10-06T15:24:00.000-05:00

I ordered the crib bedding.
I went to get my fingerprints done yesterday, and the officer told me I was the third adoptive parent that day coming in. He hadn't fingerprinted anyone for adopting in two years. He told me he just gets a warm feeling when he fingerprints people like me, and wished me the best of luck. How sweet was that? Of course he also gave me the now-you're-adopting-you'll-get-pregnant speech, but I just smiled at him since he'd been so sweet.
I got a check from my RE for $4200 yesterday. They told me two days before ER on the last cycle that they didn't think I had enough insurance coverage and made me give them some cash to draw on while they processed insurance. I guess insurance covered more than I thought, or else it was pity pay for miscarriage.
Oh yeah, I ordered the crib bedding.

Fun at the OB/GYN and other stories

2005-10-05T07:36:00.000-05:00

I have had a very itchy cootchie the last few days, so I decided it was time to visit the OB/GYN and get it looked at. I was going to just get a gynecologist that didn't do OB, but figured if by some miracle I ended up pregnant, I could keep the same doctor. I went with one recommended by a friend and my RE. I couldn't see her for this appointment, but they squeezed me in for a sick visit with the other doc. Itchy cootchie turned out to be yeast, so one shot of diflucan and some cream and I'm feeling much better. But going to the OB/GYN suckedass. I was surrounded by pregos in the waiting room, all discussing how much weight they'd gained (55 pounds with this guy, one woman proclaimed. I'm thinking at least I'll get to keep my figure and drink through my "pregnancy"). Then I go back to see the doctor, and she is pregnant too. Great. I had to give my history twice, once to the nurse and once to the doctor. So I was pretty much in tears all through the second repetition.

Then yesterday was Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It's the time of year for birth, since it's the birth of the universe. All the readings we do are about birth and infertility (G-d making good to his promise to Sarah and giving her Isaac at a ripe old age; and Hannah praying very beautifully and eloquently to G-d to give her a baby b/c she is barren, and she gets her prayers answered and gets Samuel, the prophet). Last year I was PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) from IVF #1 and so optimistic because I had a 'perfect' cycle, and all the readings convinced me my prayers were about to be answered. Then I started spotting a few days later, they made me stay home on bedrest for Yom Kippur, even though I knew it was over.

There were tons of couples at shul that just got married last year, and every one of them had a newborn. Grrr. I kept telling myself this would be my last Rosh Hashanah without a child. I was picturing me doing Torah reading wearing the baby in a sling.

I guess it wasn't AF after all

2005-09-28T09:54:00.000-05:00

It's been almost 9 weeks since my D&C, and the Witch has yet to rear her ugly head. I haven't had a period since the end of May, and it's been kind of nice. I had some spotting start on Sunday and figured it was finally time, but it was very little, and old brown blood. Less blood than I had in my early pregnancy spotting.

I am looking kind of forward to my period returning though, to see if my body can finally be normal again or if the IF drugs have messed it up. Maybe all that Gonal-F had a permanent effect and I won't be a late ovulator anymore, or maybe I'll make my own progesterone for once. Riiiiiiight.

And of course, there is the secret hope that I will become pregnant somehow, on my own.

The aftermath of Rita

2005-09-27T13:13:00.000-05:00

We here in Houston were very, very lucky with Hurricane Rita. If the storm had hit here, as originally predicted, my house might be under a few feet of water at the moment. I was really concerned about the refineries getting hit and the impact on our already high gas prices.

We were sent home from work on administrative leave starting last Wednesday. We spent Wednesday packing, getting furniture put away in the back yard, and enjoying the pool. Then it started looking like we were actually going to have to leave. We got up at 4 AM and hit the road on Thursday at 4:30 AM. It took us 5 hours just to get out of Houston. We reached Brenham, about the halfway point of the trip (a mere 100 miles away) and we had been in the car for ten hours. I said to David, "you know, if we turned back, we could be home in an hour and a half". We got gas and lunch in Brenham, and forged ahead. Luckily most of the traffic started thinning out and it was smooth sailing until we got 9 miles east of Giddings. It took 1.5 hours to drive six miles and our patience was wearing thin. We kept remembering the guy on the traffic report saying it was thinning out after Giddings. We finally made it to Austin at 6 PM, almost 14 hours after we had left Houston.

Apparently they did not think it was necessary to set up contra-flow lanes on the major highways. We got lucky because 290 was the only road that was even moving out of Houston. Driving in stop and go traffic, and seeing all the empty lanes on the other side, was enough to induce road rage. Fortunately everyone pretty much just accepted it and dealt with it (except those rebels on 59 who made their own contra-flow, good for them!).

We didn't want to deal with the traffic on the way home, so when we got up on Saturday and (thankfully) saw the storm missed Houston, we headed back home, and made it in a record 3 hours. Our house is fine, and life is returning to normal. We spent yesterday cleaning the leaves out of the pool and the debris out of the driveway.

While we were in Austin, we spent some time with my friend who hooked us up with HSM, and her lovely 9-month old daughter. Apparently when you have a full-time nanny it's really hard to spend time parenting your child. I would gladly trade places with her.

The green-eyed monster

2005-09-20T07:22:00.000-05:00

I have this friend who is trying to get pregnant with her second child. She had number one at age 39, her first month off the Pill. Number two has been a little more work, but she went to my RE and did an injectible/IUI cyle, and I think she's knocked up. She had a beta last week, and when David saw her yesterday, he asked how it went. She said she was still waiting on the results. I figure if it were negative she would have told him, so that can only mean one thing: repeat beta. So I guess if I were to follow my girlfriends, and wait until I'm 40 and do an injectible/IUI cycle, I should get pregnant pretty easily. Damn, wish I had known that before I spent all this money on IVF!

Am I jealous? Of course I am. I realize that the feelings I have towards her (or my sister-in-law, or any other Fertile person) aren't really directed at them, but rather at myself. I hate myself for not being able to get pregnant when it's so easy for other people.

"Real" kids and other thoughts on PRIDE

2005-09-15T09:31:00.000-05:00

Class was really long last night, 4 hours that was mostly lecture. We did some role-playing where we had to be the parent and it was hard. At the end we had to learn about physical restraint, but David and I think we can take a 6-week old if he gets uppity, no problem. Fortunately the Baptist minister's wife kept her mouth shut most of the time, but tonight is on sexual abuse and that's her prime concern, so I'm sure she'll have loads to say.

I have to say, it really pisses me off in the class when people keep talking about interactions between the foster kids and their "real" kids (most of them already have bio children).

I found this quote:

Natural child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
An adopted child is a natural child with real parents who is loved.
Copyright © 1985 and 2005 by Rita Laws, Ph.D.

The classes can be kind of emotional and bring out a lot of stuff to think about and my mind just races, and I can't turn it off. I'm having trouble sleeping this week. Poor David got reminded of some bad childhood shit from yesterday's class and was really upset. They ask a lot of questions in the homework about how we were parented, and his mom takes the prize for emotional abuse. He is terrified of parenting for that reason. I have to admit it scares me a little too, but I think that since he is so aware of bad things that happened to him, hopefully he'll try extra hard to not pass that same abuse on to his children.

Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be allright

2005-09-14T06:23:00.000-05:00

I am going to try and make this my new motto. We were inundated with Bob Marley in Jamaica last week and I decided this is a good theme song. Jamaica was wonderful, just what the doctor ordered. We spent a whole week sleeping when we were tired, waking up when we weren't, eating when we were hungry, drinking a lot of alcohol, hanging at the beach and pool, and having sex when we wanted (and because we wanted, how's that for a new one?).

The best part was that I barely thought about children or IF the whole week. It was one of the Sandals couples-only resorts, and even though I'm sure a lot of folks there had kids, nobody talked about their kids. It was child-free heaven, no pregnant women or anything. I only talked with one girl about my experiences, because she and her husband were taking one last vacation before starting to try and get pregnant. I was very proud of myself for not being jaded with her. She told me her mom remarried later in life and her new husband wanted children, so mom had her tubes untied and tried and tried, and they ended up adopting. It's nice to hear people speaking positively about adopting.

So, now we're back to reality and PRIDE. We have three classes this week so it's going to be exhausting. But then we just have next week and we're done except for our two makeup classes in mid-October. I thought we missed three, but our social worker said one of them wasn't applicable to their agency and we didn't need to take it. Woo-hoo!

Baptists from Cut'n'shoot

2005-09-02T07:20:00.000-05:00

Our second class last night was interesting. It was on the stages of child development and attachment, and attachment disorder. I studied all this in my psych class I took recently. But the interesting part was how out of control the teacher let the class get. People were asking all kinds of questions, which were good ones, but totally not on the topic of of the class. It almost made us wish a representative from each agency was sitting there taking notes, although that would be awkward for us. The Baptist minister's wife has to mention her own kids with every sentence she speaks, and is soooooo concerned about children who have been abused coming into her home and abusing her precious children or her pets. I'm not sure this is a good program for her! We think the overall education level of people in this class is not very high.

David is now a little worried about an older child. The SW warned us that PRIDE may scare us, but we shouldn't let it. The information is primarily for older kids who have been in the system for a while. An infant or very young child probably won't have most of these issues.

First PRIDE class is finished!

2005-08-31T07:49:00.000-05:00

So we're driving along to our appointment last night, and my husband, the man who has been ready to quit treatment for months now, says he thinks we should pursue the adoption as one path, but keep our other paths open. The loss of the genetic connection is finally starting to hit him. And who can blame him? If it weren't for my fucked up body, he could have a biological child. We discussed the surrogacy and donor eggs. If we did a surrogate, he would like to ask his sister to be the carrier. I think I would prefer someone anonymous, but he feels very strongly that it should be a family member. So I told him he could ask her if he wanted to, but keep in mind this is a huge burden, and she will always feel connected to that child and it could be awkward. I also don't think I could see someone else pregnant with my baby. The egg donor option is very expensive, and the child would be genetically his and not ours. I've always said if it couldn't be both of ours I'd rather adopt, but if it's important to him, I could do that route. But you know, the funny thing is, I can't fathom cycling again right now. If someone offered me a free IVF cycle right now, today, I would have to say NO.

After dealing with a minor traffic accident on I-45 (idiots didn't clear their cars to the shoulder as required by law, and snarled up traffic for a few miles, making us 10 minutes late), we arrived for our pre-adoption counseling appointment with our social worker Cindy. First we did our paper exchange, and turned in our application, marriage certificate, divorce decree from my first marriage, and our vet records. In exchange we received an employment verification form, a health certification, and fingerprint cards. Afterwards we talked about why we were adopting, and infertility. She asked when my last cycle was, and said that since it was still a very raw, fresh wound that there may be some sessions in the class that will be hard on me. She gave me a copy of "The Long Awaited Stork: A Guide to Parenting after Infertility". She seemed concerned that the process may happen too quickly for me, and that we should take this at my own pace. She also seemed rather emphatic that doing a nursery was a bad idea. Hmmmm.

Then we drove over to DePelchin for our first PRIDE class. We signed in, got some food (pork sausage but I had corn and potato salad), and sat with the minister and his wife from Cutnshoot TX who we recognized from orientation. The class was mostly introductory stuff, but the teacher was wonderful and energetic, and had a lot of class discussion. We talked about our respective roles in the process, how we need to work as a team, what would be expected of us in class, a little bit about the history of foster care, and the differences and similarities between foster and foster/adopt. We also watched a movie about a foster family and two of the kids they had taken in, and what the possible resolutions of a foster situation were. We didn't get home until 9:30, so it's going to be a long few weeks. And we have homework! I didn't look at it but will get it done for tomorrow's class.

My vagina

2005-08-29T12:09:00.000-05:00

What can I say, IF really wrecks your sex life. First the hormones - they make you fat, the needles leave bruises all over you, and take away your sex drive completely. Then all the restrictions with IVF of no sex after retrieval, but you have to have sex 3 days before retrieval, but you don't want to because you are so bloated and your ovaries hurt from being overfilled with eggs.

My vagina is feeling pretty tired these days, and doesn't want anything inside of her. I normally use the Keeper menstrual cup, and for several months I haven't been able to stand it, and I've been wearing pads. Yes, pads. Ugh. Then there are all those visits being poked and prodded by the dildo-cam. Doctors and other medical personnel constantly looking at your poor vagina. A D&C to suck your poor baby out through your vagina.

David feels the same way, just sapped by all this. We haven't had sex since June 8th, and it hasn't really bothered either of us. I am no longer bleeding, but we just don't feel like it yet. I'm hoping our nice romantic trip to Jamaica will help, and I'll definitely bring some sexy undies.

Familial reactions, part 1

2005-08-26T11:42:00.000-05:00

I talked with both my parents this week (they're divorced). They both sound a little lukewarm with regards to the adoption. I think not the adoption per se, but the fact that we're going to do foster, so we may end up with a half-black kid, or a drug-addicted infant. My mom seems like she's fine with adopting, as long as we get a white baby who is healthy. My parents are pretty white bread, and live in a small town in New England where there aren't very many people who are different from them.

My best friend, who is a social worker, realizes there are risks with foster/adoption, but she's very supportive. She's going to be one of our references.

In general, most people have seemed supportive so far. We'll see what happens.

Oh, and I ordered the fish stencil set.

Sudden stabbing reminders of infertility

2005-08-25T15:36:00.000-05:00

You never know what is going to trigger one of those agonizing moments of IF pain, what little thing will remind you that you are infertile. I stopped today to pick something up for my husband, and when exiting the parking lot, drove right by the restaurant where we had dinner to celebrate our pregnancy. It didn't even register with me that it was that place, but I just started crying. Then realized why I was crying.

To nursery or not to nursery?

2005-08-24T12:29:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about if we needed to have a nursery ready before a placement. With the foster/adopt system, once we get licensed, we literally could get a placement that day and we need to be ready. So, that leads to the question "should we go ahead and prepare a nursery?"

I remember when I first went off the Pill, thinking surely I'd get pregnant easily. I was unemployed at the time, and I browsed a lot of websites, bookmarking furniture and slings and cloth diaper sites. As time passed and infertility started taking over my life, I had to stop looking at all these sites. But then the miracle happened and I got pregnant, and I went back to all those websites to look at them again. Then miscarriage reared its ugly head, so once again I had to stop browsing.

Now that having a child is once again a reality, and a more certain reality than IVF ever offered, I am thinking about the nursery. We know we want to do an ocean theme, since we met diving, and it's good and gender-neutral. The room as it stands has kind of mustard yellow walls. I want to do this mural on one wall. I was looking around for fish sheets yesterday, and found this bedding that I really like. I hope blue is gender-neutral enough.

I think doing the nursery will be therapeutic. I'm toying with at least ordering the stencils ...

My whirlwind treatment history

2005-08-23T07:43:00.000-05:00

Here's a summary of my IF treatment, just for the record.

2/03: Quit BCP
2/04: HSG - right tube inconclusive, left tube clear
12/03 - 3/04: 4 Clomid cycles, last with IUI
5/04: IUI #2 - Femara + Bravelle boosting + Ovidrel (107M, 55M / 90%mot)
6/04: IUI #3 - Bravelle + Pregnyl (81M / 95%mot)
7/04: Laparoscopy and hysteroscopy - cleaned mucus from right tube and a bunch of endo
7/04: Passed Clomid Challenge Test! IUI #4 - Clomid + Pregnyl + 2x mini-dose HCG
(80M, 74M / 95%mot)
8/04: IVF #1 w/ microdose Lupron overlap protocol
- Retrieved 15, 11 mature, 7 fertilized. Transferred 3, nothing to freeze.
12/04: IVF #2 with Lupron flare protocol
- Retrieved 11, 6 mature, 5 fertilized. Transferred all 5.
1/05: Endometrial biopsy shows endometritis - one month of antibiotics
3/05: Repeat hysteroscopy, HSG, and EMB - all clear!
4/05: IUI #5 with microdose Lupron and Gonal-F (114M / 95% mot)
5/05: Final IVF with Cetrotide/microdose HCG/Gonal-F protocol
- Retrieved 16, 12 mature, 8 fertilized. Transferred 7.
14dp3dt: Beta = 176
18dp3dt: Beta = 908
7/11/05: First ultrasound - saw one gestational sac, yolk sac, and probable fetal pole. No h/b yet.
7/19/05: Second ultrasound - h/b at 95 BPM, measuring about a week behind.
7/26/05: Third ultrasound – h/b at 68 BMP, measuring 3 weeks behind. Bubba didn’t make it.
7/29/05: D&C

Sadly, I am still technically in the "unexplained infertility" category. We know now that I can get pregnant. The doctor thinks the m/c was likely genetic - there were changes in the yolk sac at my last ultrasound that indicate genetic abnormalities. We had ourselves karyotyped, and the fetal tissue is being analyzed. You'll have to stay tuned for those results, because I don't have any of them yet. They say it can take up to 3 months to analyze the fetal tissue.

"Unexplained" infertility has got to be the worst diagnosis. Left to my own devices, I am a late ovulator, have a short luteal phase, and minimal cervical mucus due to a cone biopsy in 1990 and a LEEP in 2001. David has great sperm, my tubes are open, and we fixed the uterine infection (likely caused by past exposure to chlamydia, which I never knew I had). I have a decent egg response even though I need high doses of Gonal-F to get them. It's hard to give up on pregnancy when you still have a good chance of getting pregnant. But I can't ride on the IF rollercoaster any more.

We're oriented and heading in the right direction

2005-08-22T08:19:00.000-05:00

We had our orientation with Homes of St. Mark (HSM for short) on Friday. It was wonderful. They really made us feel like we're going to be in good hands with them. Several things I liked:

They specialize in infants and young children
They specialize in children that have a high likelihood of being adopted
They understand that the infertiles need to have a child with a high likelihood of adoption, given that we've already been through a lot of loss
They are more than willing to help ease the bureaucracy and red tape as much as possible

Did you know there are 900 children in the Houston area who need homes? Yup, 900.

There were about 10 other couples at the orientation. Some were infertiles, some were just people who had grown children and wanted more. They basically went over the whole process with us and answered questions. The process is relatively fast. Next week we will have our pre-adoption counseling session, where the social worker meets with just the two of us. Then we will begin our PRIDE classes, which will last for a month. We'll learn all about parenting special needs children and take infant CPR and first aid. And they feed us dinner! After all the classes are complete they will finish our homestudy. We can go ahead and take care of some of it, like collecting our pet vaccination records, getting a TB test, getting fingerprinted, having a fire inspection of our home, and making a little photo album/scrapbook that has photos of our house, our pets, and us and what activities we like to do. Then we'll have them come to the house a few times to make sure it's all safe and we'll have more interviews. After all that is done, then we will be licensed to be foster parents!

The child has to reside with us for at least 6 months in Texas before they are eligible for adoption. And the birth parents have to get their rights terminated, either voluntarily or involuntarily by the judge. So once you have TPR (termination of parental rights) and they've been with you for 6 months, they are legally free for adoption. So we could have our baby early next year!

It's so wonderful to feel hopeful again. I left there feeling like we were in really good hands, and that we're with the right agency, and that WE ARE GOING TO HAVE OUR BABY.

My Big Bag of Needles

2005-08-19T08:05:00.000-05:00

I've been carrying around this huge shopping bag full of syringes (unused) and a jar full of used needle tips in the back seat of my car for several days now. You see, I had my final RE appointment on Tuesday, and I meant to give the Big Bag of Needles to them. But I forgot, and left them in the car. So now I have this dilemma of what to do with them. They are symbolic of ending my infertility treatment, and they deserve a special ending. Maybe I should go downtown and leave them under a freeway overpass for the junkies. Or I could leave them anonymously on the RE's doorstep, with a note that the RE should take good care of them for me. Maybe I could make some kind of effigy from them and burn them.

I have spent the last two and a half years trying to have a baby. We tried the old-fashioned way for several months, then moved on to a few cycles of Clomid. Then I started with the RE and the fun of injectible IUI cycles, five of them. Then three rounds of IVF. Hence all the needles. I finally got pregnant on my last IVF cycle, and miscarried at 9 weeks. But that's all a story for another day.

We have decided it's time to get off the infertility rollercoaster, and onto a new ride. So today we are going to have our foster adoption orientation. I was wondering yesterday what I should wear. I don't want to look like I dressed up for it, but not like a total slouch either. This morning when I got up, my husband David said "what do you think we should wear to this thing?". I guess great minds think alike.