Wednesday, August 30, 2006

You know you want some pictures!

I am overwhelmed at the sweet comments and thank you all for being so supportive and wonderful during this process. Benjamin is an amazing baby so far, very sweet and easy going. He loves being held and hanging out in his sling, and he's sleeping in 3-hour stretches and eating like a champ. We have cleared Interstate Compact in Kansas and are just waiting for Texas to do their part so we can come home. Our lawyer thinks that it will probably extend after the Labor Day holiday, but we're enjoying this bonding time with him. We're staying in an extended-stay hotel and the staff has been wonderful. Wichita is actually a beautiful city and the weather is so lovely here. Can you believe we ate outside last night?

OK, now on to some pictures!



This is the first night we met him. Forgive how exhausted I look, we had been on the road for 12 hours at this point.









Here's our sweet boy!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

You won't believe the insanity!

We got a call on Thursday to see if we wanted to head to Las Vegas and meet a couple who had a baby boy, and thought they wanted to place him for adoption. They weren't 100% of placing, but wanted to meet us after we spoke on the phone. We busted our tushes on Friday morning getting ready to leave and caught a flight, expecting to meet them when we arrived. Well, they panicked and changed their minds, and after taking a little profit from the Sahara casino, we decided to head home on Saturday.

We were in the shuttle from the rental car lot to the airport, feeling sad and dejected, and got a call from my facilitator, asking if we'd like to be presented for another baby that had been born on Thursday in Kansas. We parked ourselves at the airport, waiting for our profile to be viewed, and then amazingly got a call that we had been chosen! We rebooked our flight and flew into Tulsa, OK and then drove up to Kansas, and arrived late last night. We got to meet our son at around midnight last night, and roomed at the hospital.

This morning we met the birth mom and her grandparents, who are her guardians. She is very tall and sweet and lovely and it was a good meeting. Very bittersweet, to balance their sadness against our happiness, but it went well. We will maintain contact at least with letters and photos. The baby is just gorgeous! Oh yeah, and it's a boy. 6 lbs and 11 oz, and 18 inches long. I think he will end up with his birth mother's height, judging from his feet!

What craziness, huh? I can't believe I'm typing with a sweet baby in my arms, after all this.

PS - nobody has heard from M since we called our agency and attorney last week and told them that we had to cut her off. I feel some remorse over what will happen to Bubba, and I still hope and pray fervently that he will end up with a better life than her for a mother.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

A letter to M

Dear M,

We were very saddened and hurt when we spoke with our lawyer and learned that you admitted to her that you lied to us. When we gave you an opportunity to tell us the truth, you lied to us again. We feel that we have been very patient and understanding during our entire relationship together, and that you have done nothing but abuse our kindness and generosity. In light of recent events, we have decided that we can no longer continue to support you financially. We are not even sure if you ever intended to place this baby for adoption or whether the whole thing was just a ploy for money. However, should you give birth to this baby and you genuinely want to place him, we are here to uphold our end of the commitment we made to you. We already love this baby and we want to raise him and to be his parents.

From what you have said, you do not want this baby and cannot raise him. If this is the truth, we hope that you will think seriously about placing him, and that you will call us when you give birth. We will be there for him.

David and Melissa

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Could it get any worse?

Well, she lied to us.

I guess I should have expected it, but I can't tell you how much it hurt to realize it last night. I spoke to my lawyer, and last week after we called M and confronted her, she left a tearful message with the lawyer that she had lied to us, and the guy we met was not the father, and she was scared she was going to prison for lying. She says she did it because she was ashamed that she was "with" someone, and didn't want us to know. We don't know if this guy is still in her life or not. Our lawyer was in court all day Monday and Tuesday morning, so wasn't able to let us know this information sooner. We have ascertained that the guy the lawyer met could be the father, but he was definitely not the guy we met. The lawyer is going to see him again this week to see if he'll sign, and if not, tell him we will await a DNA test.

I left M a message afterwards that we had spoken with the lawyer, and knew she had lied to us. I told her she needed to come clean with us about everything if she wanted to go forward with this, and that we wouldn't judge her or be mad at her for any choices she made. I asked her to call me back last night, but she didn't.

I feel so hurt, and betrayed. I asked her point-blank if she was lying to us, and she said no. She probably lied to us other times too - like the strange answering machine messages and blowing us off in Nashville. I woke up this morning feeling so angry. Angry at her, and angry at myself for buying into her lies for so long and being so blind. The overwhelming desire to have a child when you are infertile and can't will do strange things to your sensibilities.

Now I don't know what to do. We are three weeks away from the due date, and I do still feel like there's a chance she's going to place this baby. Maybe she was lying about that too. The potential father said she was only doing this for a free place to live and didn't intend to go through with it (his moral character is not very high though). But I'm not sure I want a person like her in my life, the baby's life, so any post-placement contact would have to be photos and letters only. I think we are pretty close to shutting down the gravy train, and telling her that if she seriously wants to place this child, she can call us when he's born and the revocation period is over.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

And the plot thickens ...

We had a rather shocking turn of events, and are trying to figure out if we should walk away or not. My lawyer went to see the pbdad and get him to sign. Well, imagine her surprise when he says that he's not the father! He says he was only with M a couple of times and she told him she was already pregnant with somebody named Carlos' baby. He is willing to do a paternity test, and if he is the father, he thinks he will probably sign but he would want letters and photos. He also said that M is a crazy bitch and he does not want her to raise the baby. He says she coerced him into agreeing to sign as the father, and that she told him she was only doing it to get a free place to live. And he says that he never met us.

The lawyer then confronted M about the lie that this guy was the dad. She maintains firmly he is the father, she is sure, and she doesn't know anyone named Carlos. M then called me (I had not spoken to the lawyer at this point) and left two panicked messages (I was in a meeting) telling me anything he said wasn't true, and she wanted to place this baby, and she wanted us to raise him and she was in tears. She said she had no other options or backup plans and begged us not to abandon her and the baby. I called her back and reassured her we would pay for the paternity test, and if she knew anyone else who could be the father she would have to speak up. She is firm that this guy is the father.

I was okay with this so far, actually laughing thinking just more insanity. But David and I have always had an inkling that the guy we met in Nashville was not actually the dad. They were very chummy together, much more so than they should have been. Also, the forms she filled out at the lawyer's said pbdad was 6' tall, and this guy was no taller than my 5'6". Then the lawyer called me back, and explained everything that had gone on. We got to the physical description of the guy she met, and lo and behold - he was very very tall and skinny, and had totally different hair than the guy we met. Clearly not the same person.

So we seem to have caught M in a very huge, bold-faced lie. I don't know why she would have someone else pretend to be the father and meet us. How horrible is that? We called M together and asked her what was going on, and she also maintained her story, and didn't seem to me like she was lying. I said we could solve it all by getting a photo of pbdad, and she didn't seem bothered by that. She also said that she would be "stuck" with this baby, "with nothing to show for it" if he wouldn't sign, and she repeated that she intended to place him.

It is so hard to fathom walking away when we are only 27 days away from the due date. And kind people that we are, we feel horrible about leaving her cold with no money, knowing she has two children at home. I asked the lawyer if we should walk away, or if this were salvageable, and she thinks it's salvageable. The social worker thinks M is going to place, but doesn't know about this latest turn (I've left her a message). My facilitator and several other wise people think this is a last straw and we should walk away. Our gut feeling is that M wants to place this baby, and we are afraid of what might happen if we walk away. And we just can't make the decision, it is too hard and too emotional. All we can do is listen to our guts at this point.

We called a PI this morning, and he's going to see about obtaining a photo of pbdad. That will solve everything - if it's the guy we met, then we're good to go; if not, we will walk away.

Do you think this could get any crazier or more stressful? Oy vey.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Medical records

I received the medical records from M's clinic yesterday, and I was right that she hasn't been seeing the doctor. She had one prenatal appointment in late May when she decided to place the baby, and has not been back (other than for her 24-week ultrasound) until her appointment last week. I am disappointed that she has not been getting adequate prenatal care, but it doesn't surprise me at all. Things looked good last week and Bubba was measuring 34.5 weeks. A note in her records said that the patient was having a difficult time with transportation but assured them her mother would drive her to her remaining appointments. She has to go back in two weeks, and I think I need to stay on top of her about making sure she goes, now that we're so close to the end.

Can you believe he is due in 29 days?

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Agency update

I'm still not sure what the status is with my agency. M called me Friday morning and said nobody had returned her call to schedule an appointment. I called them and left a message and then called her back, and luckily her counselor had called her and set something up for Friday afternoon. I haven't heard anything so I'm assuming all went smoothly, since M wouldn't get her bills paid or her Walmart card if she didn't keep the appointment. As far as I know, if M was willing to keep that appointment, show up in person, and bring valid receipts, the agency will continue to work with her.

I checked with my lawyer in Houston and we can't use a Texas agency, so we have to stay with one in Tennessee. My TN lawyer doesn't know of any other agencies to use, and I'm hoping that we can make things work out.

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And just as a side note: I'm sure you are all aware of the terrible things happening in Israel right now. I lived in Tel Aviv for three years and it saddens me greatly to watch the news. Even Jews at US synagogues are being harassed and shot at (and then there's that crazy Mel Gibson). I was very sad to go to my synagogue yesterday morning and see the (new as of last year) gates all closed except for one, with a cop outside screening cars as they came in. I hate that things have come to that.

Baby Shower Booty!


Here are some of the cool things I got for the baby shower. I have such wonderful friends and family!

On the left, lots of toys and the ever-crucial Boppy and bouncy seat.




On the right, look at all the great books Bubba has to read. And a baby book specifically for adoptive families on the bottom left!






Killer is investigating some more cool toys in the cupboard.








Look at all the cute clothes! And Bubba's first pair of Robeez (with puppies, of course).








This is a baby sweater that my Nina made. She has severe arthritis and can no longer knit, but she had this one in her stash in her cedar chest.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

As well as could be expected

I realize I owe an update, but I'm on travel this week for work and it's been hard to have Internet time!

The shower was wonderful, and I'll write a separate post on that when I have photos of the booty, etc. I'll just say I have amazing friends.

M made it to the lawyer on Monday and all went well there. Of course she forgot the video and the social history paperwork, and the lawyer gave her new forms to fill out (along with another addressed and stamped envelope to return them). But she signed her medical release, and they called the pbfather together and the lawyer is going to see him in prison to get his signature. M filled out her hospital plan, and we will have full access to the baby along with a room, and the ability to make medical decisions for him. He will be released into our custody when M is released from the hospital.

Then M called me Monday night to tell me how things went. She had a doctor's appointment on Monday also, and the baby is measuring 34 weeks and things are looking good. She still has a due date of 9/13 and prefers to be induced if she reaches that date. The clinic said that was fine as long as Bubba was done cooking, and induction is good for us because we can plan to be there. M says she'll be in touch every few days as we get closer to the due date so we can be ready.

So, all of that was taken care of. Yesterday morning M called me and said the agency still wasn't answering her calls about her money from last week, so I called them and was told that I had to speak with the director before they could pay anything else. So I spoke with her, and things are not good on their end. The director says M is unwilling to keep appointments with them as well. She doesn't want counseling, but at least has to go in to meet with them to discuss the hospital (they'll be discharging the baby) and the legal stuff (they'll also be going to court with her). They have explained all this to M several times but she isn't keeping appointments and they're pretty close to wanting to fire her still. I called M and explained it all to her, and she kept saying "nobody told me I had to do that" and I told her I was telling her and it needed to be done. The director did mention something about a possibility of using a Texas agency, which would be great because M can sign Texas consents which are more stringent. The agency I'm using doesn't want to be just an ATM machine for M and want to have her more involved, but that's not M. The director said, and I agreed, that M is going to place her baby and she really is only motivated by financial reasons, which is fine.

So, now I'm waiting to hear back from my lawyer about how to proceed. I'm pretty near the end of my rope and incredibly stressed out.

Friday, August 04, 2006

And the drama gets even worse.

The drama gets worse and worse, and I'm nearing my wit's end. I had a long talk with the social worker. We have given $1200 in Walmart cards, and there are receipts, but they are for mostly not allowable expenses. Like men's clothing. And tons of hair products. And tons of school supplies. Only about $450 is allowable and that's if they're being generous, and reality is more like $300. And apparently the judges in her county are very strict and usually require seeing receipts, and have been known to deny the voluntary surrender unless the money gets paid back. The SW read me the list of "food" items and it was mostly all candy, cakes, cookies, and cokes. No milk, no fruit, no vegetables, no FOOD. I am now concerned about how she is eating and taking care of herself.

We decided it was really ultimatum time, and the SW called her and told her she couldn't get any expenses until Monday, when she sees the lawyer. I knew she wouldn't like that, and sure enough, shortly after she called me and left a message, all in tears, about how mean the agency was and she didn't like them and she wanted a different agency or just to use the lawyer and she deserved better treatment because she was giving up her baby. Then after all the long teary drama, she said that she didn't want to bug me with this, but she was just returning my call from the morning. Riiiight.

I left her a message back that the agency was required, we could only use this agency, and that we'd find a way to make things work out, and that she could call me back any time (she didn't). I have to play the good guy in this to maintain our relationship. We are very concerned though about all this working out. Women making adoption plans need to make the effort to do the things required of them instead of making one excuse after another. The social worker said that if she's acting one way with the SW and the lawyer but telling me what I want to hear, that is not a good sign.

But yeah, I'm worried. I am having my baby shower this Sunday, and it just all makes me think I'm tempting fate too much. But I do realize that I can still have a shower for MY baby, even if it's not THIS baby. I hope M gets her act together and realizes this is serious.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Update

Well, I called M, left a message, and said to call me back ASAP and she did. I thought that was good that she called back right away (although I did mention we needed to discuss expenses and nothing more could be paid unless I spoke to her). I told her the agency couldn't pay expenses unless she goes to the agency in person, and that she has to bring valid receipts in for groceries (shampoo is okay, but not excessive amounts of it). She said they never told her she had to come in person and it's 4 flights of stairs and hot and she can barely climb, so I told her I'd ask them to meet her downstairs, and she was agreeable. She says as well that her car is completely dead and she is relying on her mom and sister to chauffeur her around, and I told her I'd check with the lawyer about taking taxis. She didn't seem overly keen on that idea, but I'll at least ask.
I also said she'd missed two appointments with the lawyer, and had to see the lawyer this week. She said she was busy with the agency all Friday and she couldn't see the lawyer, but I told her she had to call and cancel because the lawyer was expecting her. She said she would call and reschedule.

She said she'd take care of it all, and acted like a chastised child, but not mad at me, just a kid who realizes she's been bad and got caught. And we are pretty seriously thinking of hiring a private investigator to make sure she's not scamming us. I still don't think she is, and she's just young and flaky, but I also think she's told me half-truths several times.

So we'll see what happens.

ETA - Oh my, the poor thing. I called the agency. They're on the third floor. There is an elevator right near the stairs. M has to go up 6 steps outside, enter on the second floor, and then can take an elevator up one floor. Unbelievable, her excuses and exaggeration. Does she really think I won't find these things out??